Tattooed Heart

Make it a "Grande"

I can't believe I've been in LA for two whole months already! I have to admit, the beginning was a bit of a blur, all I can remember is a an overwhelming cloud of doubt and sleeping pills, lots and lots of sleeping pills. But that cloud is nothing more than a stone alone my path to happiness. Things have changed a bit though, like how I don't live in the ever so lonely, quiet, shitty little apartment anymore. I live in a slightly bigger shitty house with Darian after he walked in on his girlfriend with another dude and refused to live alone, being the good friend I am I volunteered to keep him company, but honestly I kind of didn't like being alone either. and besides my new room I so much more.... well, Me.

"Me" is something I've recently realized I didn't know much about, until I picked up my life and all the responsibility of survival fell onto my shoulders I thought I had it all figured out but boy was I wrong. I've learned that my passion is my life and that stress is my downfall. I've learned that I can't continue to confuse comfort with happiness, and that things that aren't in my control aren't automatically bad, just out of my hands. And that LA traffic is in fact a bitch but that's not nearly as important as learning that I need to relax and continue to follow my heart to be truly happy, and that when I am things as irritating as stress can't get to me. Yup, just jones and his camera is all I'm going to be worrying about.

Well, at least that's what I imagined when I made this "happiness plan" in the middle of yet another sleepless night to get my mind off of well, you know.... her. Damn this girl is all I can think about! I can't get her out of my head! Her smile! Her eyes! Her sense of humor! Her laugh! Her voice! Ariana just won't leave my mind and it's frustrating as hell! We've only really hung out alone once but that was for work and we weren't really "alone", Frankie made it his mission to make that clear, and besides after a few days of work related texting and the drop of her video she dropped me. Yup, just completely dropped me. No calls, no texts, not even an update on the video. Not that I would need one of course, It's on constant repeat. I just hoped that as much as she's on my mind I'd cross hers at least once or enough for her to check if I was even fuckin' alive! I know I shouldn't be so paranoid that she secretly can't stand me or that we were strictly just business and that I let my stupid heart lead a little too much but here I am, talking myself back down to reality from this stranger..... yet again. Alone. Searching for at least a single shred of attention. But like I said since the moment I made my trip across California, I'm a professional.

As the last word of my "sleepless night internal monologue" spun through my mind a bright light and furious buzzing under my pillow made me jerk my head and slowly pull my weight off of my arm to allow it to find and immediately stop the most annoying thing to ever exist. This damn phone is always going off. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, after the video a bunch of smaller artists have been calling non stop for me to help them bring their music to life but it's always a disappointment to pick it up and feel my heart make the familiar plummet it does when I read that yet again it's not the one person I so desperately want to talk to. Maybe I should just call her? I mean, maybe she's waiting for me to make a move but the opened text of "Hey what's up superstar?" Is still mocking me after almost 2 weeks with no reply.

"SHIT WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PHONE?!" I furiously slurred in my half conscious state with one eye forcefully shut from the traces of sleep I must have collected in my all but seemingly 10 minutes of actual sleep I've gotten. Finally my fingers came in contact with a slim, smooth surface. "fuck finally" I breathed out yet again. as I silenced the call without bothering to look at who it was I turned my stiff neck towards the right side of the room where my new, gently used black nightstand I got from a garage sale held a small battery operated clock which read that it was already 7:34am. I could of easily snuck in an extra hour of sleep but I decided that if I wake up now I'll have time to skip the shitty coffee Darian makes that I never have the heart to tell him how bad it is and sneak down to the Starbucks a few blocks away and get some entirely too expensive caffeine to help in the seemingly impossible task of not being a fuckin' walking zombie.