How to Change the World

Chapter 14

"Pa-Pau- Fucking Shit!"

With one final thrust and proclamation, John had achieved orgasm. From both people, there was heavy breathing and the smell of sex filled their nostrils. Collapsing next to his partner, John turned his head to face her disappointed face.

"Sorry about that," he said, referring to the unpleasant outburst.

Yoko looked at John with a serious concern, shifting her weight to face him.

"That's the third time, John. I only have so much patience."

With an apologetic expression, John turned his attention to the floor, looking for the box of cigarettes in his pants.

"I'm sorry, luv. You know I'm trying. It's hard, y'know," he said, as he put the fag in his mouth.

"No. I don't know. John, I want to help you get over him, but I'm starting to think it's a lost cause."

John sighed, knowing fully well there was plenty of truth to her words. But he was determined to find a way to stop his incessant attachment to Paul.

"I get it, John. You're in love with him, and it's-"

"Now hold on a second!" John said, taking the cigarette out of his mouth with irritation, "he was just a fuck, and I liked it a little too much. I'm not even queer, how could I love the man?!"

Yoko raised an eyebrow, giving a knowing look to John.

"I don't know how many times you've told that to yourself, but I don't think you've ever believed it. At least, fully."

At first John tried to look at Yoko with a look of anger, to tried to express his "shock" with her words. But his face turned into something more fearful. He didn't want it to be true. He didn't allow himself to think about it. He made himself believe that it was just sex, and that men couldn't love each other unless they were both queers.

"Fuck," was all John could muster, but it told every word that John had bottled up.

"Like I said," Yoko began, holding John's arm for comfort, "I know you still love him, but I'm here to help you with that."

Turning back to Yoko, John gave her a sad smile and kissed her on the lips. When he pulled away, he buried his face in his hands as a sign of frustration.

"God," John said with all of the pent up anger coming up front.

"Oh John," Yoko said as she rubbed John's bare back, "I know it's hard."

"Oh my god, Yoko. I love him. I've loved him since I was 17 and I fucking hate it!"

John wouldn't allow his face to be seen, partly because of the tears beginning to form, and partly because of the shame he couldn't bear to show.

"Well," Yoko began carefully, "if you ever feel like you want to... go back to him... I'm fine with it. From what I've seen, I don't think I can stop you."

"No no no no. That's not fair. To you I mean. And plus I don't want the life he has. I don't want to hide like he does!"

John lifted his head from his shaking hands, his eyes red and watery.

"I don't want to see you like this, John. You two need to be with each other. I'll even stay with... as a cover, if that's what you want."

"What?" John said confused.

Yoko smiled. If she keeps John like this, he'll end up resenting her. But, if she let him have Paul, he'd realize how much he hates it, and he'll come crawling back to her. She'll be there to pick up the pieces in the end, and it'll all work out. It was perfect.