The Eleventh Ward

Chapter 9

I was still standing in my bra, staring at Luke. He stared back, his eyes locked on mine. I could see a swirl of anger and something else in his eyes. I thought he was going to move first, move forward and slap me or something, or maybe Calum would come back with some witty comment and break the tension. But instead I walked straight passed him, out into the boys corridor and threw my top over my head. I couldn't hear any footsteps behind me, and again I was glad that I couldn't feel emotions anymore, because my heart would have been crumbling at the thought of Luke not coming after me. I pushed the door to the boys corridor open, and the sudden brightness of the foyer made me squint. People were walking round, still leaving dinner, going to their rooms. I wanted to be alone, and I knew Lacey would be in our room, so instead I started walking towards the activities room. I was meant to be acting like nothing was wrong, but everything started to hit me. The world was spinning and my mind swirled. The numbness that had been living inside me since that night hit me like a ton of bricks, and it was almost painful to not feel anything. I sat in the corner of the activities, behind the table of paints and pulled my knees up to my chest, leaning against the wall. I wanted to feel the things I should. I wanted to feel used and disgusted with myself for letting Calum do that to me. I wanted to feel the heartbreak I should about Luke not coming after me. But most of all I wanted to feel the love I should for Luke. I should have fallen for his niceness, and the same with Michael. I should be head over heels for any of the boys here, even Ashton who was a member of staff. And that's when I saw it, the pair of scissors left abandoned on the side. The person running the arts and crafts class must have forgotten about them. And without even thinking about it, without even trying to stop myself, I reached out and wrapped my fingers around the purple handles. I pulled them apart, and put the sharp inside to my skin. The cold metal against my wrist sent shivers down my spine, and I remembered back to those days in high school almost a year and a half ago when I used to lay in bed at night and feel warm tears falling down my cheeks because I was so fucking sad and the only way to distract myself was to reach down the side of my bed where I had hid a pencil sharpener blade. I used to do this to take away the pain, and now I was doing it to give it back. Because I would swap anything to be that depressed little girl again over this numb fucked up teenager. And so I pushed down on the scissors, and as I went to drag it along my wrist, long, strong fingers wrapped around the handle over my own. I looked up to see Luke's baby blue eyes staring down at me. No longer was they tinged with anger, but were opened wide with shock and sadness. He carefully began pulling the scissors out of my hand, and I almost held onto them tighter, but I couldn't control my hand properly, and they slipped out as easy as if they'd been sitting in my open palm. Luke placed them on the table next to us before sitting crossed legged in front of me and staring. I couldn't bare to look him in the eyes, but the inability to move had seemed to spread to my entire body and I couldn't turn away.

"What the fuck Brandi" he breathed out quickly, as if he'd been holding the words in for hours. "Why would you let him do that to you? You know he doesn't actually get feelings for people" he said. I wasn't even taking in what he was saying properly. I heard it, but I didn't process it, the words were just floating round my empty head. "Brandi, Calum has conduct disorder. He's impulsive, and he can't form emotional attachments to other people. He lies and steals all the time, and he's always destroying stuff and breaking rules. But he's got fuck all self esteem, so he manipulates girls into having sex. That's all that was, just something to make him believe he's worth something." I stared at him. I couldn't figure out what emotions were living in his eyes anymore, and I didn't care. We were just staring at each other, just like in Calum's room. I wanted to move, get up or run just like every time, but I didn't have time. Because Luke's lips were suddenly pressed against mine, and they were moving in perfect sync. And I wanted more than anything to feel the sparks and the electricity, but instead the numbness still floated through my veins and when he pulled away, I just whispered the word sorry and ran again.