Based off of: I Always Thought I Would Be Okay by Hotel Books
Prompt: Tyler writes his final letter and it is to Josh.
Trigger warning: Suicide note.
__________________________
Dear Joshua,
I always tried to capture my emotions on paper, but my therapist told me that I was misdirected. I thought she was wrong. So, I said to her, "well, maybe my mindset has just been infected," and she told the pharmacist to adjust my dosage. She thinks I would be better off with a psychiatrist, now.
I think that a part of my heart followed me, when I moved out, and I still feel most connected to it when I come back home to Ohio, but you have most of whatever is left of it, and by the looks of things, you might always do.
You're just a three year memory of being addicted to caffeine, and praying; praying that I could tell you everything I really wanted to say. And the large amount of coffee stains that litter my journal are all that remain from those three years. But, now, they're only a reminder of when I pushed myself into depression.
It's funny, isn't it? How artistic we become when our hearts are broken?
And yes, I'm aware of just how cliché that sounds, but that's about the most sense I can make of this world. The rest has slowly transformed from being the ink in my pen to just being the pain in my heart, and in my head.
You always did say I was an addict with a pen. Your addict with a pen. And you were Spooky Jim. My Spooky Jim.
You know, I never meant to write words that would make people feel like crying; I just didn't want to write anything where I would be lying.
I've slowly been tapping the breaks on working, and I've tried to push my foot down on letting go, but I still don't know if this plan is working. I just can't seem to forget you. Or your stupid red hair, or your smile. And even those goddamn gauges I told you to take out. Remember that? I only said it because you looked really hot and I didn't want anyone to steal you from me.
It was your smile and that beautiful California weather that kept me focused on being happy, and our future, but now that these winter-like storms have had their way with our little sunshine, there's nothing left, and I feel like I can't believe in us anymore without the intoxicating reminder that it could all just be taken away so easily. Almost like a dream.
Or maybe, I was just resorting to my pathetic need again, to overthink just to feel like anything real is actually happening...probably.
But right now, out of nowhere, today, I finally feel at peace. Although I miss everybody, somehow the weather just feels so much more sunny, and the water in my mind seems as if it's actually running, and flowing. My heart is finally showing, and it's glowing. But don't worry, though, the glow will never be as beautiful as your eyes, and maybe that's why I still feel so lonely, despite this newfound epiphany. I still feel like my heart is empty.
And Josh, just to reassure myself, I promise I meant it when I said that I wanted you to be happy. I guess I just didn't want you to be happier than me. But I guess I'm just not that lucky.
This pain, even though it may not be easy to escape, and I may still be hurting, it's okay. Because at least today, it will be ending. I will be set free.
Forgive me, I'm usually much more encouraging, but I need you to promise you won't leave. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Just, please.
As I said before, my heart may be empty, but the walls still hold photos of our beautiful memories. So, I want you to hold on to it, for as long as you can. And if it hurts too much, just look at it as a friendly reminder that you're still breathing.
You may not be next to me right now, as I take my last few breaths, but I want you to know that this hurt cut too deep, and it kept remembering to visit me. None of this is your fault, and I don't want you to ever think it could be.
As I depart, I also want to thank you, even though you're the tear in my heart, a heartache, thank you for still believing in me.
And by the way, you're not a problem, you are my sanity. And as much as I despise these next few words, I love you for it. And I always will.
You know, I always thought I would be okay.
Yours truly,
Tyler Joseph
