Stole My Heart (A Ziall and Larry Love Story)

Chapter 9 - A New Outlet

*Author's Note*

Hey, I don't really know if people care about this story or whatever but I would like to make two apologies. My first apology is that I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've kind of been in a bit of a bad place lately, but, I couldn't let any of my readers down. My second apology sort of follows on from the first apology and that is that I'm sorry for such a deep, dark, depressing chapter. I've always had a chapter like this planned for a bit later in the story but like I said I've been in a bit of a dark place myself and, well, writing this chapter helped. As always, this chapter is dedicated to one of my new followers and this time it is @ClaraDiAngelo710 thank you for following me, it means a lot. Anyway, enjoy this chapter, and sorry again - Scott xx

Zayn's POV

I managed to get out of the house without any of the boys noticing and I headed straight for the little bench near the pond at the end of the garden. I needed some space to be free from the other boys and the rest of the world and have some time to think. Thoughts were spinning round and round in my head fighting for dominance as I lit up a cigarette and took a drag. I've never particularly liked smoking, but it helps to have an outlet of some kind. At least this one allows me to get out of the house and sit on my own for a while and clear my head. Not that it's ever clear. Ever since that experience with Danny in college when I gave him a blow-job in the toilets I've never been able to shake away these dark thoughts that eat me up inside. That was my first sexual experience ever, and it was with a guy. Before that I'd never really considered my sexuality but since that encounter I've never been able to look at anyone the same, without feeling that they are judging me.

People say I'm vain because I spend a lot of time looking in mirrors, but that's not the real reason. The real reason is that I'm insecure. It feels like there are several versions of me inside this one body, constantly raging a war against each other, fighting for dominance over who would appear at the surface today. Which version of me would I see in the mirror the next time I looked? What would I see drawn on my face? Who would be the one showing on my lips? And most importantly, which version of myself would be hidden in my eyes. It's an endless and painful battle I have with myself and it's all my fault.

Deep down inside, I know that I am gay. I've pretty much always known. Girls just don't really do anything for me in the downstairs department. But I'll never be able to truly embrace that. I hate myself for being gay. My entire family is homophobic and I've been brought up the same way, disapproving of homosexuality, finding it disgusting. That alone is hard enough to live with. A homophobic homosexual who obviously hates himself for being who he is. But that's just one side. The other side hates my family for being homophobic because without even knowing it they make my life hell. Even in simple comments like “Have you got a girlfriend yet Zayn?” “Eugh, I can't stand watching gay people on the TV it's disgusting!” “God, how camp do you want to be?” It breaks my heart knowing that my family would never accept me for who I am and that's why I can never come out. Not to mention the hate I would receive from the press and the fans. I know the boys would accept me, like they accepted Louis and Niall, but not management. Niall is terrified of telling them about his sexuality and the way they force Louis to pretend he loves Eleanor is disgusting.

Then, there's the other side of me that hates me for hating my family because it knows that they are right and that I am disgusting and that nobody could ever love me and that I don't deserve to exist. The boys accept me for who I am even though I've never came out to them or told them all of this about me, they make me feel loved and wanted, the way my family never did, and they help me to keep myself distracted from these thoughts. But it can still be difficult being around the boys. Especially Harry. I don't know what it is about those emerald eyes of his but they just have me hooked. And now there's the situation with Niall. How is our relationship ever going to be the same after last night? And how would the other boys react if they found out how I'd treat Niall. I felt myself slipping deeper into my dark thoughts as I thought back to the one friend who knew everything about me. My old childhood friend from Bradford who knew every tiny detail about me and loved me regardless, just like I did with her. She'd helped me get over so much stuff before she left Bradford 4 months before I applied for X Factor and we lost touch a bit. She still keeps me strong though, just by thinking about her. She helped me come to terms with the truth about me. We even had sex a few times, just to see if I liked it. Sometimes at night, when I cry myself to sleep after hours of inner struggles, my mind flicks back to her and I can picture her holding me as I cried into her arms, my face buried into her neck, tears dripping into her jet black hair, her arms massaging my back as she offered me soothing words of comfort, “We all care about you more than you think, you shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, you're not fucked up, you shouldn't judge yourself for being yourself, there's nothing wrong with you at all you're one of my best friends, do you think you'd be my best friend if you were disgusting?”

As I sat and thought about those memories the tears began rolling down my cheeks. I felt so empty. I hate everything about my existence. I used to say that I have 'dark thoughts' or 'a dark side' that always lingers in me somewhere but I've pretty much accepted that there isn't a dark side in me. The darkness looms around me, threatening to overwhelm me at any time and completely take over my body. Back in Bradford my outlet for pain was always my best friend Beth, art and literature have been outlets for my pain until I joined One Direction and I couldn't find the time, smoking has been an outlet for me ever since Beth moved away and naturally singing has been an outlet for me all my life. But I was starting to crave for another outlet, one that could take my pain away, not just distract me from it. Smoking no longer helped because it gave me time to think and singing is my job now. I rolled up the sleeves of my Varsity jacket and gently brushed my fingers along the marks on my wrist from where I'd pressed the blade deep into my skin, just this morning, watching the blood flow from the cut as if it was my hatred leaving my body. As soon as I had picked up the blade this morning I knew that this was going to be my new outlet. Physical pain to take away the emotional and psychological pain I have suffered all my life.

Even though it frightened me and disgusted me that I could do this to myself and leave these foul marks on my skin, it somehow soothed my inner anguish. At least now I could look almost as fucked up on the outside as I feel on the inside. I took the last drag of my fag before flicking it into the pond and standing up to head back inside. I already wanted to feel the sensation of the cold metal pressing deep into my skin again. Watching the blood seep from the cuts and with it all my anger and sorrow. I managed to get back upstairs to my room without being heard and opened the door to my bathroom...

"NIALL! HARRY! ZAYN!"