clean

7; eremophobia

Eremophobia; the fear of oneself or loneliness

    It had been seven months. January's hair was back to her light blonde, the result after blue dye had faded out of it. She was wearing tights, a jean skirt, her scuffed up doc martens, and a frilly black tee shirt when she stood on the porch of her old home. So much self doubt and worry consumed her mind, flooding back all the old feelings she had stored away.

You see, it had taken January seven months to clean up her act, starting with getting the hell away from that tiny town in Maine which triggered the deep routed depression anxiety. January found herself a small place in Rhode Island, two hours away from her old home. The place where her mother was probably alone, drinking Moroccan Mint tea and sewing endless scarves which she later donated to the Retirement Home. Did she miss January? Was Dad still sending her money every month? Is she okay?

January could very much have just went home, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She would not torture her loving Mom, with frail fingers that used to braid her hair every day for 1st grade and silky brown hair which January would still trade any day for her flat golden hair, any longer.

She worked at a Pet Smart, which was the ideal place for Jan, she really loved animals. Monday through Thursday she worked from 6 AM to 6 PM. She found contentment in the owner, Irene, and her fifteen year old son, Marvin, who was hopelessly crushing on January.

Every so often, Cherry and the girls would visit January, laughing about old shags and crazy parties they had attended.

For seven months, January worked her shifts at Pet Smart and used her free days checking out books from the library across the street. She hadn't touched even a drop of alcohol for seven months, she only consumed a cigarette whenever she felt extremely lonely. Or whenever she thought of him. Aerick.

But now, January looked like the old January. The one that marveled over her many aspirations and stole the hearts of curly haired therapists who January, in return, fell for too. She wondered if she was the same person she was before, the old January. The one Aerick fell in love with.

At the same time, she knew she could never be that person. Because that was the old January. This was the new January.

 Her pale fingers shakily reached up to the doorbell of the house she grew up in, a small chirp echoing inside the house. It wasn't but a minute that past when the door opened and a man January had never seen before, bare in nothing but a towel around his waist, gave her a confused look.

"May I help you?" His voice was silky and his eyes were kind. January would admire him, if he was actually wearing clothing.

"Um, is my mother home?" Her voice was quiet and unsure.

The man's smile widened and his cheeks flushed in embarrassment and he ushered January inside and called for her mom.

When January saw her mom, her heart had burst as she immediately ran towards her, tears now falling form her eyes. Her mom was exactly as she remembered and yet nothing like she remembered. Her hair was still dark and silky, but shorter. Her eyes are the same breathless blue she remembered. But her mom looked happy. Happier than she had ever been, at least since January's father had left.

"Oh- January- oh my baby girl!" She had hummed as she held her only daughter in her arms, the daughter she had thought was gone forever.

"I'm sorry Mom, I'm so sorry!" January gushed. The broken parts of her hearts were healing, and January never felt happier and more at peace, than when she is in her mom's arms.

Her mom's eyes were just as teary as Jan's. "My god child, do tell me, where have you been?"