The Woman's Guide to Totally Sucking

Chapter Three: Meh

"Wake up princess!"

"No!" I screeched. The sun glared into my sleepy face, "What the hell Daniel!" I threw a pillow at him as I buried my head underneath another.

"You can't stay holed up forever sweetie." The sorrowful tone irritated me.

"I'm perfectly fine, thank you very much!"

"Perfectly fine?" I peeked out from underneath my pillow. He cocked his eyebrows at me, waiting patiently for my tantrum to run its course.

That is when I spotted the suspicious looking brown bag on the counter, "What is that?" I croak out.

"That?" he points behind him, "Oh you actually want to know something?"

"Daniel!" I groaned louder.

He smirked down at me, "It is the perfect little vacation for us." I watched him curiously as he made his way to what may be my one and only possible heaven in this hell hole, "Three little words. Vodka. And. Ice cream!" he pulled out a half gallon Grey Goose bottle and my favorite Rocky Road ice cream.

"You didn't?" I whispered, pulling out of my cocoon.

Daniel waltzed over, pushing me to the side, and sat snuggly in the middle of my bed, "Let's chow down."

"Lets!" I grabbed a spoon greedily, scooping up the largest chunk of ice cream I could muster; shoveling it down my little pig face, "Dish ish sho good!" I moaned out, the chocolate flavors exploded against my taste buds, as the ice cream slid like a giant ice snake down my throat. The moment the food hit my stomach it started gurgling out.

"Was that you?" Daniel stared at me in disgust.

"I'm hungry." I mumbled as I popped open the Grey Goose bottle and took a swish of it.

"Maybe we should actually eat somewhere first Bailie."

"HISS!"

"Are you fucking hissing at me bitch?" Daniel yanked the bottle out of my hand as I pouted at the emptiness, "Oh hell no. We are not doing this shit right now."

A loud snap rang through in the air as the immediate hot pain flushed across what I knew was my now red face, "You slapped me?" I clenched my teeth.

"You're acting like a stupid child Bailie. He is married now, move on."

"You do not understand what I'm feeling right now!" I screamed at him, slipping out of the bed and away from his hand.

"Do you hear yourself right now? You sound like a hormonal teenage girl." Daniel crossed his arms and glared at me from the bed. He wasn't moving an inch from his seat. Even Daisy betrayed me and curled up next to him.

"I'm not some hormonal teenage girl Daniel! I liked him first!"

He cocked his brows at that, "You liked him first?"

He let the question linger in the air for a while before he spoke again, "Whether you liked him first or not is irrelevant Bailie. He got married, to your best friend. You have to move on from this shit like every other adult out there does. You are thirty for crying out loud. I don't want to spend my entire life acting like your dad."

I clenched and unclenched my jaw, as the tears welled up, escaping from time to time down my face, "I think I loved him Danny." I let the sobs shudder through my body as I stood still.

Daniel let out a loud sigh as he pushed out of the bed, "Look I'm sorry Bailie. But deep down you know it is the truth. I'm your friend for a reason; I tell you how it is. You know I don't sugar coat that shit. But I will tell you one thing." I gazed up into his chocolate eyes, yearning for the words, any words to comfort my muddled thoughts, "You weren't in love with him. And even if you were, you deserve better than that scumbag. You really want him to pop your cherry?" he winked at me as I gasped out in shock.

I punched him in the arm as hard as I could, "Don't speak to me like that!" I could not believe he threw the V card at me. It stung, but he was right. Was this guy really worth any of my tears? I may never have had any experience in relationships, but he did. At least he knew what a real adult should act like.

That was when a thought ran across my mind, "Danny!" I snagged his face and forced him to look at me.

"What?" he frowned at me, a million different emotions flitted across his handsome face.

"Make me a real adult so I will never have to be like this again?"

"W-what?' he choked out taken aback.

"You know, make me an adult. I don't want people to think I'm some..." I glowered at the floor as I spat out, "Hormonal teenage girl."

"W-what do you mean though?" he placed his large hand against mine, as he slid it away from his face.

"I'm average, I'm boring. I have no grades to back me up, or outstanding job to make me noticeable. I don't have the charm or wits to lure a guy in. I need you to make me a new woman." I beamed at myself for coming up with this plan. It was perfect! I would learn to forget my one sided crush and move on like any sane adult would. I would learn to mingle with people and look like an actual lady. Maybe I would actually be able to have sex and not have this stupid V card held against me.

"A new woman?" Daniel tested it amongst his lips, "A new woman?" he whispered again, "You know, this may actually work." He smiled at me, as I smiled back.

"Great!" I giggled like a school girl.

"Just one thing..." he became dead serious.

"What?" I whispered in worry.

"No more poop talk. You aren't a five year old child."

I felt the flush of embarrassment spread across my face, as I turned away from his mocking look. This was going to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.