Ever After or Perfect Distaer?

Chapter 6: Something New

I haven't seen Josh for the entire weekend ever since I left him at his house on my birthday, I don't know how it'll be once Monday comes around.

I climbed on top of my roof to have a smoke. I don't know why someone like him would do such a thing to himself, I know I have my reasons but what drives him to go that far?

I've been at this for years, with cutting or whatever, it releases the pinned up feelings and the urge to be perfect from inside. Because how can someone with scars and that hates themselves be perfect?

I wanted him to stop but I'd be a hypocrite if I told him to stop and when I knew I wasn't going to. I had to for him.

I decided to text him.

Hey u okay-A

Yeah what about you-J

Great just thinking about you and how you threw up all over me-A

Yeah sorry about that I'll clean and make it new.-J

Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow and you better not be sick again-A

I'll be fine. Goodnight Strawberry-J

I climbed back in once I finished and went to lay on my bed. I was out in a matter of seconds.
~
I got up as usually and got dressed, when I stepped out of my house Josh was waiting for me there.

"You know you just scared the shit out of me right?"

He laughed running his fingers through his hair.

"I couldn't wait to show you how I'm not sick anymore."

"Oh, well if you were wondering yes."

"Yes what?" He smirked and was already starting to bounce..

"Yes, I'll be your girlfriend." I said through my teeth then rolled my eyes.

He began to do a dance that made me laugh. It was surprising that someone that silly could be so sad.

"Thank god Strawberry I thought you didn't even like me."

"No I never said that, I just said I've never done this." Motioning at him and me.

"Well just so you know you just made my day."
~

It was last period and I swear the entire school knew about me and Josh.

We didn't sit next to each other in music because Mr Jones thought it would be helpful if I went into the woodwinds and Josh played guitar so we were no where near each other.

Music class had become very tiring because it was like I was a second teacher , people asking me what things were and about fingerings all the time.

I was exhausted from all the playing. Josh ran up behind me laying his hands on my shoulders resting them there.

"Hey PD what's up?"

"PD, is this another short joke?"

"No it's means Perfect Disaster."

I looked up him and surprised. Why would he call me that.

"I don't like that." I whispered

"Huh what'd you say?"

"I said I don't like that name." I took his arms from around me and started to walk off.

"Strawberry wait. I didn't know it was gonna be such a big thing."

I turned around swiftly which seemed to have startled him.

"Well it is a big thing. I told you something I had never told anyone, not even my best friend who got me through majourity of all this shit and you're making a fucking nickname out of it."

He looked at me surprised that I could scream that loud. The couple people that were left in the hallway were looking at me.

I turned and continued out the door.
I was almost to Josh's house when someone pulled at my arm. I started to freak out until I felt a set of familiar lips press against mine. It was Josh he pulled me through his and gate and into his house.

We eventually got to his room. He pressed me against the wall and continued to kiss me now going down my neck,  and whispered.

"I can't lose you Amy not now, not ever."

He had never called me Amy, what does that mean? I didn't know I could mean so much to someone. I could feel his fingers starting to unbutton my pants. I had never been in a situation like this.

He picked me up and sat me on the bed. He went to take off my shirt after his own. I couldn't I can't.

"Stop." I whispered just loud enough that he could hear me.

He leaned in closer to me.

"Its okay, you mean the world to me I would never want to hurt you."

I began to cry. I don't think he noticed because my hair had fallen over my face.

"Somethings arent about being hurt ot being afraid."

He stopped and lifted my head so i was looking in his eyes.

"Then what is it?"

"Just forget about."

I tried wiggling from between him and the wall but he held me in place.

"You can tell me anything. Remember?"

I didnt know what he would think of me or how it would change everything.

"I was raped when I was a kid." I blurted out.

I had never said it out loud, I barely.

I was told I had surpressed memories from my childhood and not until after having gone through hypnotherapy was my therapist able to tell what I had blocking out.

I looked up through my hair to see the look on Josh's face. He was pissed.

"Who was it?"

We weren't able to go far enough into my subconscious because I had blocked it off so much that it was as if it never happened.

"Does it matter?"

"Hell yeah it matters who hurt you, is that why you do that to yourself?"

He was pointing at my scars that were all over my legs.

"I gotta know so that I can protect you."

I was furious. He wasn't supposed to know, now he wants details.

"Fine you want me to tell you that I don't even know. That we never found out and that I didn't find out about it until years later and that was probably the reason for me not remembering anything, huh. That my life was already fucked up so bad that I was doing this before I ever realised I was raped."

He sat on the bed next to me but didn't say a word. I looked up wondering what was wrong with him. He was crying too.

"Why are you crying?" I asked surprised.

"Because some idiot hurt you and I can't even help you."

It seemed to hurt him more than me. I had to live with the fact that I could never go back and why I had questioned my sexuality at a young age.

He pulled the sheets back and got under the covers. I didn't know what to do. I was never really got at comforting someone, not even myself.

I took off my pant and got under the covers with him. I should at least make it equal.

I pressed my cold body against his. He didn't even move. He was so warm and I could feel his heart beating when I touched his chest.

I turned around so that I could be closer to him. He put his arm around me.

"I'm sorry Strawberry, that you had to go through so much shit."

I wanted to cry but it just never came out. None of this was supposed to happen.