Wearing Thin.

4. "Another Wave."

It wasn’t until I was engulfed in the thickest silence I had ever endured in my life that I realized just how little Niall and I had in common - not like the thought had never graced my skull, I just never pondered over it in depth. Niall liked to eat food, and I only ate when I had to. Not to mention he always pestered me into having a bite to eat, to not play with my food or stare at it. Even though he said he understood my mentality when it came down to it, I truly don’t think he did - but I don’t blame him. It’s hard to understand an eating disorder if you’ve never had one, and as a person that dealt with one all her life and was constantly relapsing, I believed that I had quite the bit of knowledge, that it wasn’t the easiest of tasks to ‘just eat.’ Then there was the obvious fact that he liked beer - and not only that - but any alcohol that he could get his paws on while at the club. Obviously, that would create quite the problem with my track record. With the added fact that alcohol was an old fair-friend of mine that at any given moment could become close to me once again, a crutch, when I was doing more than fine on my own two feet.

He preferred to stay in instead of going out for the night - spending his time off sleeping, watching movies, or playing video games. I was always the type of person that went stir-crazy if I was stuck in one place for too long, so I’d always opt for going out dancing, to dinner, or just to hang out at a friends house. Then there was the fact that he had always liked me a hell of a lot more than I ever liked him. He was always texting me first, calling me when he had a break, or asking me to get on Skype with him. And it wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy, like, or appreciate it - it just reinforced the fact that I was a terrible person. By keeping him hanging on, I wasn’t allowing him to find what he deserved - a person that would love and cherish him as much as he loved and cherished me. Which was insane considering that this was all for publicity, that he was never truly supposed to develop feelings for me. But I guess that’s exactly the type of thing that happened when you were faced with a deal that involved dating your celebrity crush.

I let the smoke that I was holding in for what seemed like eternity flow through my nostrils, snubbing the cigarette on the concrete ground of the balcony before tossing it over the railing. Turning around I took a peek inside of the hotel room, spotting Niall’s bottom half laying down on the bed. What he was doing - I couldn’t exactly tell. Running my fingers through my hair, I looked up at the night sky once more, wishing that I was in the country side to actually see the constellations scattered so carefully above me - those same constellations that I knew the love of my life was gazing at. In a swift movement I pushed the glass door open, stepping inside as I watched my glasses fog up from the drastic change in temperature.

After closing the balcony behind me I removed them, wiping the condensation off with the sleeve of Niall’s jumper. Upon placing them back on the bridge of my nose I realized that the blue-eyed boy had been watching me the whole time. He smiled at me, and my heart sank - his eyes lighting up in a way that I knew all-too well. I looked at Zayn in the exact same way. He held his arms out to me, beckoning for me to lay down beside him, and I did. It was the least I could do for him. He soon fell into a trance that consisted of humming some tune that sounded familiar and played with my hair, it was soothing but I felt guilty. I always felt guilty these days.

“Do you ever think about the future, Demi?” He asked out of nowhere. I perked my head up from its position on his chest to glance at him, an eyebrow raised in question. “I mean, do you ever think about the day you’ll be able to do what you want and say what you want without having to worry about people judging you?” He went on to explain and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony. “I do.” He concluded, letting out a frustrated sigh. I realized that he was asking the question more to himself than anything. It was only then that I stopped to consider how he must’ve been feeling, the fact that even he was in the closet when it came to Zayn and I. But maybe it was better that way, that as soon as I was off of my contract that I’d be able to let him off easily.

For now, he thought it was a one time thing, that nothing serious was going on between his band mate and I, that management was making a big deal out of ‘nothing’. And I allowed him to keep that thought because I could see the pain in his eyes, I had hurt him. We hurt him. He pressed his lips against my forehead and kept them there for a few moments, fingers tracing shapes on the small of my back. “I’m sorry for making you feel bad earlier.” Niall muttered - which caused that wrenching feeling I hated more than anything in my gut. I shook my head, fingers clutching the thin fabric of his shirt. “No Niall, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone out and kissed Zayn. I’m sorry. I betrayed you, and I deserved everything you yelled at me.” Swallowing the lump in my throat I closed my eyes, taking a few deep breaths to stop myself from crying. I couldn’t feel worse. I couldn’t. “I’m just sorry.”

The sound of laughter made my eyebrows furrow in confusion, his hand ceasing motion to wipe the stray tears away with his thumb. “Why are you crying? I’m the one apologizing. It’s okay, love. We all make mistakes, right?” I forced a smile, nodding my head curtly. As humans we were destined to make a world of mistake’s, but being with Zayn wasn’t one of them. And I knew it. Although there was no way in hell I could say that to Niall without tearing him a part so I just agreed with him. There was nothing I could do anymore, because the guilt I felt didn’t just last whenever I was around him - it carried on outside of these walls, wherever I went. A companion of sorts. But I found comfort in solitude, never needed someone to shadow me. I held Niall closer to me, peppering kisses all across his jawline. Placing my head back in the safety that was the crook of his neck. “Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still sorry.” I whispered. Then the sound of a vibrating phone caught our attention, my eyes scanned the room as I tried to locate whose it was. I made an effort to get up but Niall held me down, lips ghosting over that sensitive spot under my earlobe to whisper.

“Please. Call them back later, just lay with me.”