MODERN BIBLE

OLD SKOOL -- ADAM & EVE

IN THE BEGINNING there was a really cool deity named God and this really cool deity was really chill. This deity was chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool n all shootin' some b-ball on the outside o' the school and said, "Ayy fam it's lit," and then there was light. God thought light was pretty chill and separated it from dark which is like chill but not that chill. This was day 1 and already God was pleased with work that day and sat back and relaxed.

Day 2 comes along and God makes space but not like "woah mars!" space (I mean chyea bro he made that too) but more of like he made this really cool party-place called Heaven. God knew Heaven was such a cool place that he was all, "Woah, Heaven's a cool place."

So like we get to day 3 and God decides to have some fun, he makes land and some sweet spots to grow food because I mean if you're planning on making a human race food's pretty cool to have. Day 4 came by and God made some cool lights in the sky like stars n stuff, but days 5 and 6 is where the party starts.

Day 5 God says, "Ayy fam, how about some fly organisms n mainstream ocean life," so God made birds n fish. On day 6, God made dinosaurs.

Okay, really, on day 6 God made some awesome land animals n lil creatures of sorts.

By now God is a lil pooped, so he rests for a bit bc he's God, but oh no he aint done yet. God says, "Lettuce make man in our image," so God pulled a Michelangelo and shaped a man via dust. HOW RAD. God breathed life into him because he's so cool and can do that kind of thing and he was all, "Bro your name is Adam because honestly what name is cooler than Adam," and Adam was chill.

God had a lil 1 on 1 with Adam mainly bc there wasn't anyone else around but anyway God said, "Dude, look, I hooked you up with this chill garden, you got plenty of things to eat and stuff, but like there's this one tree that I like, don't want you to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and bad because you'd like die, aiight fam? We gucci? Gucci. Alright how about you name all these super cool animals I made, yeah?"

Adam went on and named every animal but God felt there was something off. Adam was too alone, dude needed a fine honey to help around.

So via Adam, God made a chill babe named Eve through Adam's rib. ALSO RAD. So God places these bad boys in the garden of Eden where they can chill and eat fruit and play ping pong. Within this chill sesh period this dumb serpent slithered up to Eve and was all, "Sup fam, you tryna cop some sun sweet berries of the earth?"

"Yeah I am fam what's good?" Eve replied.

"There's this super chill tree right in the middle of the garden, can you eat from it?" the serpent inquired.

"Nah fam I aint about that death life," Even shook her head.

"Aye fam you won't die. You'll be kinda like homeboy in the sky though, you'll know what's versace and lame-sace," the serpent explained.

Eve checked out the tree and agreed and figured to pick some fruit off. She ate some and so did Adam.

When they ate, the realized they were naked and made some nice fig-leaf clothing which was all the rage in those days. Then God was all, "Woah woah woah this is not gucci not gucci one bit."

"You, you dumb thing," God said to the serpent, God then cursed the dumb serpent and then turned around to Adam and Eve.

"Eve we were rooting for you we were all rooting for you how could you do this," God sighed. He cursed Eve to painful childbirth and unconditional submission to obey Adam.

"Adam, you shall sweat, a lot, because sweating sucks," God said to Adam. God cursed Adam to work for his food and they were both banished from Eden.

So being banished and cursed sucks but Adam and Eve work it. Adam and Eve have two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain was a farmer and Abel was a herdsman shepherd dude.

So it comes time to offer sacrifices to God. Cain offers a portion of his crops to God as a sacrifice. Cain then learns that God is more pleased with Abel. Why? Because Abel gives God a fat stack o' first born flock.

Cain just gave God some excess produce, as Abel had given God his first income. God appreciated the real sacrifice Abel had made rather than Cain's.

Cain got pretty peeved at this realization and decided, "Imma just eliminate Abel from the competition," aka, "Imma kill this boy."

Cain kills Abel, God facepalms at Cain.

"Dude, you cant just go around killing your family. You gotta go man, just go.." God said, Cain was exiled.

Adam and Eve have a third son, Seth, and from there on, the world grows, and from there on--the Modern Bible continues

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[A/N: Hey y'all! Violet here, I wrote the first chapter yes. To find the original story in the bible, just go ahead and turn to Genesis! Sophie's gonna pick it up with the next big story but yeah this is basically the beginning and I hope you all enjoyed! So basically the main getter in this story is that God created.. he created.. He also taught a reoccurring lesson the bible. The choice between life and death, but also, of course, sin. Sin of which everyone has (but Jesus died for it to wash away, but we're not there yet, are we?). This lil summary should help as more understandable context in means of the actual bible. I didn't intend to get too detailed, because I felt an overall story gets the message across. A little lesson with Cain and Abel defnitely portrays sacrifice as a lesson of Jesus but also with tithes! ]