ocd | phan

ocd

The first time I saw him,

everything in my head went quiet.

-
2009:

All I could ever see were the wrong things. The car with only one working windshield wiper, the quarter stuck in a crack in the pavement, the chips in the brick walls of Manchester.

Then I saw him, and I swear all the wrong things disappeared. Everything in my head went quiet.

All I could manage to focus on was the strand of hair that was out of place. That was all I saw.

His name was Philip, but he preferred to be called Phil. His name was almost as perfect as he was.

-
2011:

When I first met him on that rainy day in two thousand and nine, I wasn't planning on meeting the love of my life.

Meeting Phil was the best day of my life because it was quiet, and quiet has never really been something I've experienced.

When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don't really get quiet moments.

Even in bed, I'm thinking:

Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.
Did I lock the doors? Yes.
Did I wash my hands? Yes.

But when I saw him, all I could see was the sharp curve of his jaw, his chiseled cheekbones, and that one strand of hair that was out of place.

That was when I knew I had to talk to him.

I asked him out eight times in the span of five minutes because it had to be perfect. Even though he said yes the first time, he still was as ecstatic as I was the other seven times.

The next day we went out on a coffee date, I had to leave exactly twelve minutes before two o'clock so I would get there thirty seconds early because I wanted everything about that day to be perfect.

And, holy shit, it was perfect.

Most of the date was spent by me adjusting my chair and pouring two perfect packets of sugar in my coffee and I am sure I spent more time doing that than actually fucking talking to him.

But he loved it.

He loved that I had to push my chair in before I folded my used napkin. He loved that I had to kiss him fourteen times before I was content. He loved that I always had to avoid the cracks in the pavement. And I loved him. I loved the way he said my name, always evenly alternating between Daniel and Dan, whatever he seemed fit for the occasion. I loved the way his mouth curved upwards when he told me he loved me.

At night, he'd lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off.

He'd close his eyes and tell me that the days and nights were just passing in front of him.

When we moved in together, he said he felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely locked the door eighteen times.

He made me feel special, and he always reminded me that I was.

-

2012:

Last week he started sleeping at his mother's house.

When he'd tell me he loved me, his mouth wouldn't form a slight smirk like it used to.

When I would start to kiss him goodbye he would leave after the third time because he said I was taking up too much of his time.

And I'd feel like I was actually worth something, he'd never confirm it.

This morning when he came home to pack up his stuff, he told me that our relationship was a mistake.

But how can it be a mistake if I don't have to wash my hands after I touch him?

Love is not a mistake, and it's killing me that he can run away from this and I just can't.

I can't go out and find someone new

Because I always think of him.

Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin.

I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars

And he was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on.

My nan always told me that you should never base your happiness upon others, though for some reason all I want in life is for him to be happy. But how can I be happy when he isn't happy with me?

When he was here, he told me that he had moved on, that he had found another guy.

Now, I just think about who else is kissing him.

I can't breathe because he only kisses him once-he doesn't care if it's perfect!

I want him back so bad.

I leave the door unlocked-

I leave the lights on.

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i'm sorry

but yeah if you haven't heard of Neil Hilborn or his poems seriously go check him out!!! he is so great.

this poem made me so emo and it made me think of phan so sorry for being satan and writing this.

also there were some parts where i didn't know what to write so i just used parts from the original poem and i am not trying to claim it as mine!!!

thank u v much for reading