In Riptides

22 | gut punch

N A T E

The waves are clean this afternoon. Long, glassy lines rolling in with nothing in their way. Alex paddles out next to me, her hair slicked back, eyes narrowed against the glare. We haven't said much since we got in the water, but we don't have to. The silence between us has evolved. No more awkwardness and tension. It's peaceful and easy and loud in its own way. Talking through glances and shared stillness.

We float just beyond the break, legs dangling in the cool saltwater, watching the horizon for the next set. My arms ache in that satisfying way, my chest still aching from last night.

From Lia and everything I didn't say, and everything she didn't need to.

I can't stop seeing that mark on her neck. A hickey someone left. I keep wondering if she wanted him to leave it, whoever he was. I keep wondering how far she's going not to feel, or how far she's going to feel exactly that. A physical, temporary thrill. But temporary thrills only last for so long until they become dull, and then it's onto finding the next one.

Too many questions, none of them helpful. Just enough to keep the blood cold in my veins.

"You good?" Alex asks, clocking the tension I'm not hiding very well.

"Sure."

She lets out a short laugh. "You used to be a better liar."

I smirk. "Did I? Or were you just too into me to notice how bad I was at it?"

"Fair," she says, considering. "So either the charm wore off, or whatever's on your mind is bad enough that you don't give a shit about trying to hide it."

I glance over at her and wonder, maybe for the hundredth time, whether being friends with an ex who knows you from the inside out is a blessing or a curse.

A new set rolls in. I pivot and paddle, leaving her behind. I catch the second wave and carve into it hard, letting it carry me. Letting it wipe my head clean. For a few seconds I'm nowhere. No one. Just motion and water and breath.

When I paddle back out, Alex is waiting in the same spot. "You want to talk about it?"

I shake the water from my hair and sigh. "Nope."

It goes quiet again, the ocean humming in white noise between us. But I feel her watching, the silence getting a little heavier.

"I know you miss surfing with her."

My eyes skip to hers, catching the sincerity. We don't usually talk about Lia. Maybe because it's weird territory with an ex, or maybe because I've stopped talking about her altogether. The weight of it feels heavy enough in my own head without putting it on anyone else, and it's heavy enough that she's constantly grounded in me.

Everyone's been absorbed in their own lives anyway. Blake's been off the grid for the last couple of weeks, Rob's been splitting his time between physical therapy, Clara, and his dad, Ollie has been going through one of his MIA phases until he shows up out of nowhere, and Alex... well, Alex has Colton now.

"Yeah, I do," I finally say. "But I also just miss her."

Alex breaks eye contact, scraping her fingers through her hair. "I never should've kissed you on New Year's." I start to respond but she barrels on. "If I hadn't, then Lia wouldn't have been hurt enough to cut you out, and you wouldn't be miserable right now."

It's almost funny how much more complicated the truth really is.

"Okay, first of all, I'm not miserable."

"Nate." She sweeps a hand over the water, gesturing at the boards, the waves, all of it. "We're literally in your happy place, and you've barely cracked a smile."