The promise between us

Chapter 5: cuts.

I am physically and emotionally drained.

It's been a week sense the officers came to give us the news about..... Taylor.

Mrs. coy hasn't even left her room, but I've gotten her to eat and drink so that's good.

Cody on the other hand, he.... well he's going off the deep end. He's extremely depressed and he will go out to parties only to come back at noon the next day. I've tried talking to him and I've tried going to the parties to bring him back, but he just rebels.

I know I'm not his mom, but his mom is dying inside all over again with another death and I know he is too, but why can't he see that his mom needs him to just be safe, to be here when she asks how he is.

I on the other hand have cried myself to sleep ever night and I haven't eaten sense they officers came that morning after I took one bite of my pancakes.

Bang. I stood up front my chair in the kitchen with Cody's dinner on a plate waiting for him to come home, Oh and sleep....Well lets just say sleep is a rare thing for me now a days.

I glance at the clock, 2:49 A.m.

Cody wrestles around by the front door to get his shoes off and I walk over to block his way.

"Cody." I say in a pleading voice.

He looks up at me with disgust then back to his shoes untying the laces.

"Cody can I please talk to you for a minute." I ask folding my arms a crossed my chest.

Once his shoes are off Cody stands up and shoves into my shoulder as he walks into the kitchen, He stops for a second and looks at the plate of food on the table for him. Then walks over and grabs it, He puts it in the microwave then turns his attention to the fridge where he grabs the orange juice to gulp it down.

I stand in the kitchen enter way watching him, "Cody, Please." I say again.

"Oh my heck Krisa, Can't you tell when someone is ignoring you and doesn't want to see you?!" he says on a harsh whisper so that he doesn't wake up his mom.

My heart feels like its been stabbed at his harsh words.

I'm not trying to make him angry. or frustrated. or flat out hate me.

I'm trying to let him know his mom is worried about him. Heck I'm worried about him. His like my little brother.

Wouldn't you be worried if he was acting like this?

"Cody--" I beginning, but he cuts me off.

"You know what Krisa?!? I hate you I really do! You've always been here for everyone in my family and you have loved my stupid, idiotic dead brother for years now." I feel another stabbed at those words. "You clean and you cook and you give advice, Your like annoying older sister telling me how to live my life and I don't want you to! I don't care that you want what's best for me and I don't care that you want what's best for my mom! We got through it on our own when my dad died and we got through it when Mark died! Why would we need you? Huh? Oh that's right we don't need you!!! No one does!!! We don't want you here, just like how your dad didn't want you," His voice beings to get louder and I try to hold in all my tears.

I try to look unaffected b his words, but in reality they are cutting deep into me and I'm bleeding all over.

"Not even Taylor needed you." he spits glaring at me. "You didn't even cry when we heard what happened to him," he shakes his head with a twisted smile, "You don't love him, oh wait, you didn't love him, because you can't love him now because his dead." He says staring at me.

I let out a breath that I had been holding and with it tears stream down my face, Cody looks at me a little shocked but try's to straighten his face.

"Your right Cody, Your right." I say with a shaky voice looking right into his eye's, "Taylor didn't want me, my father didn't and neither did my mom." My tears run down y face and I can taste them as I talk, "You don't need you Cody. Your doesn't need me either, But you know who she does need? You, She needs her son to help her mourn and to help her realize she still has you and Charlie, Because I know for a fact that if I wasn't here in your place she would be dying up in her room." I take in a shaky breath and anger bubbles in me now at how selfish Cody is being, "For your information I have cried every night, I've cried my self into exhaustion, But I don't show it to You," I motion my hand to him even though I can't even see his face through my blurry tear filled eye's, "Or your mom, because I know that I need to be strong for her." I sob a little, but I feel the anger still rising in me, "So don't you dare say that I don't cry, because I have been sense that day! Don't you dare say that I don't love him!!!!" I yell at him, tears running down my cheeks and down my neck. Leaving my skin salty and sticky. "Don't you dare say that I can't love him because I do!" I wipe my tears, but it made me difference, I turned my body away from him but looked over my shoulder at him.

"I died that day Cody." I walk out of the kitchen, not realizing that I had taken a few steps forward and out the front door.

Leaving Cody to stand in the heavy filled air that was suffocating me.

I walk up the hill and sit at the base of the tree, leaning back against it as I cry.

My heart bleeding out in my chest from Cody's words and his selfish, naïve statements.

That wasn't fair of him to say.

Though some of those things are true, I know that it just said them because he is hurting too.

After about an two hours or maybe three I walk back down to the house.

Its around 5 in the morning and I'm sure that Cody and Mrs. Coy are asleep.

I quickly so up stairs and into Taylor's room where I've been sleeping for the passed few months now and I go into the connected bathroom.

The small sharp razor in my hand, I take a seat in the bath tub.

No I'm not going to commit suicide, This has always been a bad habit of mine. I stopped doing it for a while when Taylor and me got closer and he helped me through my pain. But sense he left I found myself doing it more and more, Mrs. Coy noticed once and was about to say something to me, but I changed the subject and she forgot.

But now sense he's gone, It's gotten worse.

It's easy to hit if I wear a long sleeve and put a banage on. It's just me taking away pain.

I know that it's childish, but I can't help it.

The pain right now it too much and I need it to subside for a while so I can take care of Taylor's family.