Secrets aren't good for your health (boyxboy)

Chapter 18

<- Matt

Max Pov:

When I woke up, I thought I was going to be lying in bed or on the ground outside where I had fallen asleep, but I'm not I am in Matt's arms. He doesn't know that I am awake, he is carrying me bridal style, with my head on his shoulder, the duvet covering me, so that I wasn't cold. It is still dark out, so I know I probably slept an hour, or so. When we got back, Matt opened the door, Jack and my brothers were standing there looking at the boy who was carrying me, but before their eyes landed on me, I close them to simulate me being asleep.

"Where was he? Is he okay? Did he tell you why he ran outside in only his boxers at night?" Zack yelled at Matt, and I could sense Matt was a little scared to tell my brother anything, not because he didn't want to, but because he didn't know anything. There were no words said between us when he found me, but he knew I didn't want to talk.

"Zack, calm down. I don't know anything. We didn't even talk; he was tired when I found him. I should go put him to bed now, his skin is pretty cold." Matt whispered, trying not to wake me. I could feel Jack's eyes on me but I didn't dare open my eyes to look at him.

"I can take him up there," Jack said, and I could tell he was holding his arms out for Matt to hand me over. Without thinking, I put my arms around Matt's neck, holding on. I was still upset about him telling he was dating my sister, and acting like that to me.... like he liked me or something. I was probably just a game to him... pretending to like me, leading me on until I 'loved' him, then told me something that made me feel like I was dying. I don't love him, do I? No, I don't. Yes, I like him in like a, 'Oh, he's hot' kind of way, but no I do not love him.

"I don't think he wants you to hold him, Jack. I'm sorry, but I'll just take him to his room, and I'll talk to him when he wakes up," that last part, I knew was for Zack. I could feel the anger coming off of Jack, and that made me scared. Was he mad at me? There were lots of reasons for him to be mad at me, but I didn't like it. I didn't want him to be mad at me, it made me sick. Why does that make me sick? There is no real reason for it. Matt started to walk up the stairs and that is when I realized I was crying the tears were coming out so fast that I am sure Matt knew I was awake. When we got to my room Matt lied me on my bed were, I can still see my clothes on the floor were Jack put them and that made me think about that he said before I ran outside.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked sitting on the bed beside me. I wanted to talk to him about it but I was scared that he would think I was in love with Jack. I'm not, so why would I be scared. Maybe I was scared because I didn't want to hurt Matt, when he asked me if I loved him the look on his face made me want to hold him until he was happy again.

"Um.... I don't know. I'm not really sure why I ran out there was no reason to run out or even being crying. I'm just stupid," I whispered not meeting his eyes.

"Max you are not stupid. Please don't ever say that. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, you can go back to sleep?" I looked up at him and he was walking away, I didn't want him to leave me, but he probably didn't want to stay in here with me. He stopped at the door and turned around to look at me.

"I'll wake you up in the morning so you can get ready for our date. Goodnight Max," and with that he just walked out of my room closing the door behind him. I rode over so I was on my right side looking at the wall.

"Goodnight," I whispered. What if I do 'love' Jack? Does he love me back? No, he doesn't love me he probably hates me. He provably wants to fuck me and then leave me, but thinking that makes me feel like I did when he told me he is dating my sister. I throw the covers off of me and off of the bed sitting up on the bed looking at the bathroom door. Without thinking I got up and made my way to the bathroom, opening the door and walking in. it felt like someone else was in control of me just like when I was running and I couldn't stop. I walked over to the sink, I looked everywhere for what I was looking for just when I was about to give up I found it. A razor. I couldn't stop myself from picking it up; I don't even know what I was going to do until my hand came up and put the razor on my arm. I don't even think I am breathing, I feel numb and I don't know why I am doing this. So many bad things have happened to day; going to the doctors and getting pills, I have to eat more. They want me to be fat, don't they? All these voices running though my head I just want them to stop.

"Just one cut." The voice said. I looked down at the hand that is holding the razor to my wrist. Do I really want to do this? Do I need to do this?

"Yes you do. Jack doesn't love you. He will never love you or even like you. You're just a toy to him, someone to play the game. No one loves you, Nick was right you should of listened to him. Just do it you derive it," the voice was getting louder and louder I just wanted it to stop so I slid the razor over my wrist fast. It felt good and the sad thing is I wanted to do it again, and I did. After ten cuts I stopped the blood was dripping in to a pool of blood in front of me, I felt dizzy. Without thinking I took off my boxers and got in the tub turning on the cold water and letting it feel up. I closed my eyes feeling the cold water touch my cuts; I couldn't feel the cold it was to numb. The song don't wanna be alone by Simon Curtis popped in to my head and I started to wispier sing it.

"They say that love is a game, only played by the dumbest of fools that the feelings elusive, and what can you do with a ruse? They say that wanting a heart, is nothing like what people believed, and to give it away is something you don't want to need." Maybe I do love Jack but I can't. I can't love someone that doesn't love me back. I like Matt, but do I love him? Maybe I can make myself fall in love with him.

I got out of the tub about 20 minutes later I slowly cleaned up the pool of blood on the floor and walked up to the mirror. I had dark circles under my eyes and my lips were turning blue. I walked back in to my room and looked for some boxers and my superman shirt that went to my thighs and hung off of my shudders. I put them on and crawled back in bed and pulling the covers back on me. Trying to get back to sleep thinking about how I was going to hide the cuts from Matt. The last thought I had before I fell asleep was 'what would he do if he found out I cut?'