stargazer // lawlorff

THIRTEEN

"Wait," I stopped Kian as we were about to walk out of the dorm building. 

He swirled around and cocked his head to the side. "What is it, babe?" he asked.

"Kian... we're going to a drive in movie. Neither of us own a car." 

A blank expression clouded over his face and he stood there motionless for a few moments. He kicked the door. 

"What the fuck was I thinking? God! I'm so stupid!" He yelled, taking his anger out now on the wall, bashing it in with every word growing more powerful and malignant. 

I stopped his hand dead-set in the air on its way to most likely create a hole in the wall. He gaped at me, seeing how strong I was. It was strange for me as well, seeing how weak I am usually. Something came over me, and I was able to absorb all Kian's anger into my hand, resting on his bloody fist. 

"Sam, I'm sorry." he was quick to apologize. A light flickered over our heads for a few seconds and then dimly lightened Kian's face. 

He looked angry and confused and sad all at once. I hated it. 

"It's fine," I said, staring blankly down at my hand that was seconds ago stopping Kian's violent outburst. His blood was a deep crimson red and it dripped off my fingertips, making a small pattering noise like a leaky faucet. 

He hugged me suddenly, squeezing together the parts of me that were about to fall apart upon the triggering sight of so much blood. 

"I don't want to hurt you, Sam. I would never hurt you," he tried at reassuring me. It wasn't truly working. 

He twirled the longer hairs at the top of my head and pulled me close into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me more so that he could feel my heart beating against his. He was crying.

"Kian, don't cry. It's fine. I'm fine." 

He cupped my cheeks in his hands and kissed my forehead after a desolate moment of staring deep into my eyes. His eyes were shining in the fluorescent light, tears staining the skin on his cheeks with the pain I didn't want him to have. 

He stared for longer and longer and time sort of disappeared. I leaned in to kiss the poor boy, but before I could, he collapsed. 

I fled to his side, lightly slapping his face to get him to wake up. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. 

"Kian!" I shouted, slapping him more. 

I didn't want to, but I knew at last resort, it would all come down to punching him in his beautiful fucking face. 

I lifted up my fist high up in the air, positioning myself correctly so that the blow would render him conscious again. I sat on his torso, with knees hitting the floor and legs curved around his waist. I sighed deeply and lunged in, pulling my arm back and letting go. Before contact was made, Kian's eyes spurred open and he, in incredible reaction time, grabbed ahold of my wrist. He breathed heavily and so did I. Adrenaline pumped through both of our veins and subsided. In time, he let go of my wrist and I set down my fist. He sat half upward, so I was still on his lap and had my legs around his hips. 

"Please tell me what the fuck just happened," I spoke, breaking the poignant silence between us. 

His voice shuddered as he spoke, revealing just how shocked he was about the situation, perhaps even more than I was. 

"I get... anxiety. It's usually when I'm in a great big group of people, so this is a little..unexpected. When it happens, I go into shock, maybe cry a little. It's never been this bad before. I used to take medication for it, but I stopped a while ago. I guess I was just freaking out inside because I thought you thought of me as something bad, malicious even. I didn't want you to think that. So, naturally, my body up and decides to fucking pass out, as if that's a solid answer to any question." 

I gulped and nodded. "But you're okay, right?" 

He laughed but it sounded painful and forced. I could tell that the statement issued next was a blatant lie in its entirety.  "I'm fine." 

Years of hearing my own mouth say those three painful words flashed through my head. I'm fine, I would say..lie.. when people would ask why I looked so sad. I already ate, I would lie when people noticed I hadn't been eating any food. I'm just cold, I would lie when people remarked on why I was wearing a long sleeve shirt or a sweater in summer. It's getting better, I would lie to my closest friend, the only one who ever found out about my depression. Nothing ever was truthful if it escaped my lips. I hated myself for it. I couldn't say a single word without my mind automatically telling the opposite of what was true. The sickest part of it was, that I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me, or like I was doing anything for attention. I didn't want anyone to worry about me, not even myself. 

"Sam?" Kian asked, probably noticing me staring off into space when his face was inches away from mine. 

I turned my gaze and fixated it on Kian's lips. 

"Promise me you'll take care of your anxiety, babe. I want you to live." I pleaded, not breaking my stare at his lips, he was now cautiously biting at the edge. 

He nodded slightly and then crashed his lips into mine. A hurricane breezed through my head and every thought that wasn't about Kian drifted away. We reached the eye of the storm when he pulled away, and looked at me solemnly. 

"C'mon. We're gonna go have the most interesting taxi ride ever."