I'm with you

The boys voice

So I'm sorry for not updating right away but school just started so I've been busy!! Also the boy Kirsten talks about in this story is a stitch I made up to spice up the story :) I hope you all enjoy and comment your thoughts! I'd love feed back!!

Dream after dream fills my head, some are nightmares sent to me by my demons and some are dreams that are like, well, a dream. Ever since I was a child I could tell when I was in a dream, I just instantly know. But the strange thing is I can't wake up. When I get too scared or I just can't take it I tell myself to snap out of the sleep. But right now i can't. I'm stuck in hell, a hell made of nightmares. I sleep in my mind which is foggy and dark until I'm pushed into the next dream in my terrifying funhouse of a mind. I look around me to see what I'm in for and then I see what this dream is. I see all the murder victims of the stitches I've been in. All the poor souls who died too young. But that's not all who's there, there are the ones who have been hurt by the chain of events I see mothers and fathers and children. All pale and ghastly as though they have seen an eternity of sadness. They are all speaking. And I know what each of them are saying. They are all repeating the last words they said before their deaths. The words that usually haunt me in my dreams. But I usually make it stop. This time I can't make the voices stop, the worst part is that every voice is so clear, and I can feel the emotions of every victim.

A young boy walks up to me with his hands outstretched. "I'm not important, I'm truly a waste of space on this earth" he keeps repeating this but each time his voice sounds sadder. As he approaches I stumble backwards and fall, he gets to me and I scream to him please no. But it's too late. His hand meets my face and I feel a cold rush and then I'm back to where his death was. At the top of the tallest building in California. He stood there and cried for hours and was finally able to talk himself out of jumping. Until he thought one single thought that he said out loud. His final words. "I'm not important, I'm truly a waste of space on this earth" And then he let himself go. It was one of my least favorite stitches. I felt his fear and regret the entire way down. The poor boy made a mistake and it cost him his life. This scene keeps playing over and over and over again. I feel the fear and the regret. I feel it all so vividly as though I'm in the stitch. But what I feel more is his hate towards himself. His longing to be better and feel happy. His want to jump which is the strongest feeling that one can feel when filled with hate while you stand at the top of a skyscraper. It won't stop playing and I can't take the emotions. I feel as though they are becoming mine and I'm filled up with nothing more than sadness and hate and a need to die. No no stop Kirsten this is not you. But it is. If Cameron's gone I don't see the point of going on. I've lost everyone. My life has been a mess since the day I can remember and I feel like I don't know myself.

The dream keeps repeating itself until I'm on the verge of insanity. I keep trying to push away the thoughts but the young boys mind was so set on what he wanted to do that it overwhelms me and then I genuinely begin to believe the thoughts are mine. No they are mine. Yes mine. I start to repeat things in my head, things I know I normally wouldn't say but I feels so right to think these things. Nobody loves me. I have nobody left. If Cameron's gone I'm done with this shit life. I keep thinking and thinking and it's settled. If Cameron's gone. I'll meet him again. And I won't wait. I can't explain what makes me feel this attachment to Cameron. I feel as though he is a necessary piece of me. Something I cannot life without, he is like my heart and soul. He is the thing that keeps me grounded... Why do I feel these things? I don't know. I need to know if he's okay. I need to know what choice I make. Live or die. Be with or without Cameron. I live the dream one last time. Feeling the sad thoughts fill my head. And then I tell myself. Wake up. And something in my brain clicks like an on button. And my eyes snap open.

The first thing I know is that it's night. I'm in the lab and it's as dark as my dreams, it seems that nobody is around. I look to see an empty bed across the room. The sheets have been stripped and the room smells like cleaning fluid. Instantly my mind wanders to the thought I dreaded most. If Cameron was a wake. He'd be here. He'd be here sitting next to me. Or he be laying in that bed recovering. He's gone. My thoughts keep repeating that has gone. He's dead. I start to panic and I pause for a moment. I know I should be logical and just breathe but I know what I'm going to do. I swing my legs out of the bed and tip toe out. Nobody is in the lab so with my bare feet and hospital gown I creep to the doors leading to the roof. I slowly make my way up the stairs and I step outside. I breathe in the fresh air and begin to feel woozy. So I lean against the door frame to keep from falling over. I set my eyes straight ahead and look to the ledge. My feet shuffle as I force myself over there. And I steady myself. I step up onto the ledge and take a deep breath. I let myself think all the nasty and terrible thoughts in my mind. I let them all flow in, and I think about my Cameron. My Cameron who in my gut I know is gone. My hands start to shake and I put my arms out. I keep trying to talk myself out of it just as the boy did. But I can't. So I stand there. And then at that moment I quietly speak out as my voice trembles. "I'm not important, I'm truly a waste of space on this
earth." And I decide to take a step over the edge.