the kids are depressed

Fidel

Fidel

Fidel woke up with a sad smile on his face. It wasn't an unusual thing, especially when the first thing that always caught his eyes was the sealing machine I'd gotten for him on one of those down days when the pressure of his existence got to him so bad that he wanted to end his life, and the only thing that made sense was the idea of starting a business, even if we both knew he is wasnt going to see it through to the end, at least that was going to buy us enough time to enjoy the possibility of optimism from life.

He'd lost his father around the lock down period and life had dawned on him quicker than he'd anticipated. He had to grow up faster than he'd started and he had to let go of all the irrelevant things that we still got lucky enough to hold on to.

He wasn't like the rest of us, he was always lost in his thoughts and everyone understood, even the teachers. Nobody blamed him for coming in late or missing out on assignments; we knew the condition of his family and we were glad enough that we even showed up at all.

I was mostly surprised when he agreed to come out for the excursion. I could have sworn that he would have thrown me one of those weak tired smiles as he explained how he had to spend his time looking for more employment opportunities.

He was the first guy I ever truly fell in love with; and he fell in love with me as well, but we knew it was going to be shorlived, no matter how much we tried to hold on to it; and it wasn't just because we were both guys In an homophobic country, but because we both had dreams, goals and responsibilities that Love would only serve as a distraction for.

No one would ever guess that Fidel was into boys, he was built that anyone else in the classroom, he commanded resoect from the other boys with the way he carried himself and the way he usually spoke too wisely for his age; but I saw beneath all of that facade. I knew how much he hated his reality. How much he blamed his parents for his inadequacies, especially when he was a little kid and how they planted so much self doubt and lack of esteem in him by constantly comparing him to his elder sister, and how they transferred the pressure on him a hundredfold when his sister fell sick and he had to take over.

I knew how much sadness he buried inside of him and how he masked it with this jovial playful stride. I knew how much he drank I'm secret and how he toiled with the emotions of anyone who showed him the tiniest bit of attention.

I knew his wildest dreams. I knew his temporary ones. I knew his faults and his cool side and he knew all of mine.

That morning he knew his younger brother was bombing clients next to him as he smiled to the sealing machine that once held the hope of him eradicating poverty, if only for a second, but more importantly, held the truth that he'd found someone in this lifetime who'd cared truly about him.