I'm not Yours Anymore

Chapter 1

I breathed in, filling the cold air into my nose. My head tilted back, I looked up to the sky as I let the hot air escape my mouth. A small smile started to creep onto my lips as I remembered. My eyes drifted towards the snow covered pavement. I remembered his smell, his skin tone, and his emotions, when stared at you for long periods of time. I took off my beanie, I bit my lip and grabbed a fist full of hair, I closed my eyes, trying to forget, trying to block out these memoires, putting up my mental wall to stop these thoughts from flooding in. For a few moments I let the cool air fill my lungs, calming me down. I opened my eyes and leant back onto the wall, I spotted a couple, laughing, having a good time, the old me would of longed for that, but I have changed so much… since… him. In fact, now, I try to avoid couples; they tear down my mental wall, well that’s what my doctor says anyway. I Put my beanie back on and stuffed my hands in my pockets and walked down the street, my doctor says I should always be around people, in case I need help.  I laughed and sat down at a park bench.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him; he was there, turning a corner. I stood up slowly, as if I reassuring myself, there was something inside me that stopped me from running, like I know deep inside I know I shouldn’t run, I shouldn’t chase after him. My legs started moving, I started running towards him, the snow making me run slower. I forgot the reasons that were making me not run before, everything was blurry and irrelevant, everything but him. I felt the snow creep into my boots, making my socks wet, I didn’t care, I kept running. He turned the corner; I sped up the street and around the corner. There he was standing there, on his phone. I walked slowly towards him, I reached my hand out to touch his shoulder, I choked out “j-j” I couldn’t finish his name, someone bumped into me, throwing me onto the road. I stood there for a while, trying to figure out if this was all a dream. I looked around, I realized there was a car coming at me, but my legs weren’t moving. What was I doing running after a stranger? “He’s gone” I whispered, “he’s gone” I said a little louder, “HE’S GONE” I shouted. I heard a screech of a car and the horn of it. I felt a push on my leg that made me stumble.  I realised that I was still on the road; people were looking at me with worried faces. I chuckled and tapped the bumper bar of the car and mouthed ‘sorry’ and walked onto the side walk.

I walked to the train station. I sped down the stairs and hopped on the train. I grabbed a seat; I sat next to the window. I stared out at the parsing houses thinking, in every single one, would be a human being, they may be happy, they may be sad, whatever their emotion, they were still in there, trapped within the walls of the house, kind of like my mental wall. I feel as though I am trapped sometimes, the walls stop me from my mind wandering like it used to. I used to imagine things like imagining being happy, imagining having a better life, having a smiling face to greet you at the door every time you come home.

 I got off, and stepped out into the freezing air. I ran up to my house, wanting to get out of this weather. I opened my door and a rush of warm air hit me. I took of my boots and left them out on the porch and walked in. My black poodle came running at me and jumping and licking at my legs. I giggled and bent down and gave the small dog affection. I stood up and hung up my snow covered coat. I lived in a town house with my friend Stacy, but she’s always out, she works all day, parties all night. “Stacey?” I shouted as I went up the stairs. No answer. I sighed and walked into my room; I grabbed my laptop and jumped onto my bed. I checked my emails even though I knew what all of my emails would be about. 5 new messages, I speed read through them all. All of them being sorry emails, sorry for your loss blah blah blah. I put my hand in my pocket and got my phone, I rang Stacy to see if she was going to be here tonight, she was going to be out, again. I opened up my Tumblr, I never used it, but my doctor suggested I did something else in my spare time other than reading, so I started up a Tumblr. I had 1 new message, I titled my head to the side, questioning this, I only had 5 followers. I opened up the message… I couldn’t believe what it said. I read it over and over again, wanting one of the times for it to just disappear. It read out “Jayden’s gone, he will never come back” It was so simple, but yet it was so powerful. Those 7 words punched me in the gut. I couldn’t breathe, my vision became blurry. It felt like someone was strangling me, it felt like all the walls were caving in on me. I panicked, shaking violently. Then the tears came pouring down my face. Without even processing this I got up and started to smash things, glass, and windows anything I could find. I didn’t know what I was doing, it was like someone took over my mind and is making me do these things. I started scratching at my neck, trying to stop the suffocating, it felt like shoe laces were wrapped around my neck, tied in a tight knot.  I screamed for help. I ran back to my bed and grabbed my phone, I flicked through my contacts and called my doctor.

“Hello, this is Doctor Robinson”

I didn’t say anything, I swallowed and hung up. I didn’t need her, all she did was tell me I needed to take my meds, be around people blah blah blah, and I was sick of that. I just needed Jayden, if only he was here. He would know exactly what to say. My throat was numb from the crying; I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was shocked at the sight, I looked horrible. My whole face was red and swollen. I parted my lips, they started to tremble. I searched my brain for what Dr Robinson told me last time, I couldn’t remember. I started to panic, I didn’t know what to do, then I remembered, song writing. I let out a sigh of relief and went to get some paper and pen. I went to my desk, which looked out into the beautiful city of Paris. I placed the paper straight in front of me, my pen rested in my hand, and it started to flow over the paper, gracefully writing word after word.