The Lexie Project

Season 19, Episode 16 (The One With The Secret)

I haven't been home for ages.

The last time I was here, I'd just been dumped by Seth. I felt ugly and used up and hopeless.

Now I'm standing next to Liam, surrounded by my entourage, taking in the insane chaos that is my family. And I am okay. More than okay: a lot can happen in six months.

"Whoa," Liam whispers, watching as my fourteen siblings, three parentals, and two crews run around. Bens and Matt stand in a corner, looking generally overwhelmed. "This is...whoa."

I laugh and give his hand a little squeeze. "Welcome to Crazyville."

At first, I was a bit apart from the group because my crew and the Baker's Dozen crew were filming my arrival. All of the producers were pissed that Chlo, Patrick, Bens, Matt, and Liam refused to sign release forms. Not that anyone was surprised.

"Lexie-loo!" my mom had said, opening her arms wide and looking very Beth Baker-Miller with her famous red bob and too-bright pantsuit.

And of course I fell into the hug because even if she doesn't return my calls and is too caught up in her own life to help take care of Benny or see if I'm okay, she's still my mom. Other than Bens, she's the most important person in my life and I'm not going to let current shitty factors change that.

Kirk, my step-dad, puts an awkward arm around my shoulder. "I know you've been hit with some tough stuff lately," he says. "But remember: the only way out is through."

Yeah, Kirk is really into self-help books.

Now we're in the backyard, where my mom has set up two really long tables, each decorated with place settings, fresh flowers, and candles. Everything is a variation of pink, which Chloe hates, but it's the thought that counts, right? I wish I knew that my mom was doing this nice thing for Chloe and Patrick out of love, but I know a part of this celebration—a big part—is being produced by Chuck, the Jax of Baker's Dozen.

That's the problem with reality TV: if you're on it long enough, you can forget what's real and what's for show. I mean, take my family itself for instance. When you see us, it's like you're seeing a scene from one of those Planet Earth kinda movies where people from all over the world splash in water fountains in slow-motion. Nearly all of my siblings are adopted and we're every color of the rainbow. We're like an advertisement for world peace.

My mom couldn't have kids except for Chloe (and now the baby twins—yay science), so she and my dad came up with the idea for Baker's Dozen. MetaReel would pay for all the adoption and infertility stuff and in exchange they would get to play God. Do we all love each other? Yes. Are we a real family? Well, duh. But seeing us all together at once plus the camera crew is, I imagine, a pretty weird experience.

"What do you think?" I say to Liam.

"I think I understand why dating a Korean dude is totally normal to you," he says.

"You fit right in, that's for sure." I lean toward him and brush his lips with mine, quick, while no one's looking.

Or so I thought.

Ellen comes up and pulls me away from him. "We have to get some shots and since someone refuses to sign paperwork, I'm gonna have to separate you two for a bit."

I make a sad face and Liam laughs. "Get outta here. I'm fine."

When I look back, he's already playing soccer with Deston, Lark, and DeShaun, who we call the Wild Things.

Everyone on the show has a persona: Farrow, my sixteen year old sister, is a total bookworm and I'm kinda worried because MetaReel only encourages that. Shots of her are used for comic relief—they'll show the chaos of a million kids running around and breaking things and then cut to Farrow, sitting in a corner, reading a book, oblivious to it all. I mean, I guess reading is cool or whatever, but she is so never gonna get a guy (or girl) that way.