Lost in Thought

Chapter 13

Dinner that night was a quiet one. There just wasn't much to say after the events of the day, at least not much that anyone wanted to hear. We all knew the gravity of the situation and that our odds had become even steeper than they were before. I couldn't speak for everyone else, but my mind wandered as I questioned what I was doing there, where we were going and just what we were going to do about all of this.

The food seemed to taste different, too. That's what stress will do to you, I suppose. Michelle mostly poked at her plate, not really eating anything. Xavier and I ate quietly, the clanging of our silverware against our plates the only sound permeating the room. Ron remained on the couch, resting and recovering from our encounter earlier in the day. Even Hulk wasn't all that interested in the food, laying quietly next to the couch almost as if he were protecting Ron.

After dinner finished, Hulk and Ron slept while Xavier disappeared into another room of the house. Alone for the first time since our walk, Michelle and I sat on the floor in awkward silence. I tried to think of something, anything, to say to her and hoped that it wouldn't result in her making that annoyed face she typically makes when I speak to her. Cute as it was, I'd preferred something a little nicer and more accepting.

"What a day," I say in an attempt to break the quiet.

She nods. Sitting a few feet away from me, she never looks up at me, drawing shapes and figures with her finger on the floor boards. Only her mind's eye can see what she's creating, if it's anything at all.

"I don't think I've ever been so scared in my entire life," I said as I let out a slight chuckle. It wasn't that I found it particularly funny, this is just one of the man things I do when I'm nervous and this was far and away the most nervous I'd been in ages. I curse myself in my mind for being so uncool, wishing that situations like these came far easier for me.

Suddenly, something completely unexpected happened: she smiled. Not a full smile, mind you, but enough of a grin that it felt like she was starting to let her guard down. It was warm and inviting, a side of her I hadn't seen since we'd met. It was nice to know that underneath that hard exterior, there really was a pleasant person underneath. It had taken me longer than I'd liked, but I was beginning to see it. I really hope to see more of it.

"Yeah," she said, grin still showing on the right side of her face, "I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but I was scared out of my mind, too."

"I have a hard time believing you're scared of anything," I respond, not meaning to sound like such a suck-up. "I mean, you've been so tough and stoic since I got here, I just figured nothing in the world would scare you."

Continuing to draw on the floor boards with her finger, she continued. "Yeah, about that. When I don't know if I can trust someone, my default setting tends to be a little rough. I know that I don't come off all that friendly, but I need it to keep myself distanced. I figure if I tell myself all the time to be tough and not show fear that I won't be weak. That I'll be able to prevail over anything that gets thrown in my way. Sometimes it's hard to maintain that when you're really more scared than you can comprehend."

"Well that's good."

"It's good that I'm scared?"

"No," I answer, quickly finishing my thought. "It's good that you're just using it as a defense. I was really starting to think that you hated me or something."

"You think I hate you?" she said, surprise permeating her tone.

"Well, sort of, yeah. I mean, you always looked kind of mad when I would talk to you and I'm sure my smiling at you or whatever probably didn't sit well with you. You always seemed like you were a second away from punching me in the face." Realizing that I may have just dropped a lot into her lap, I flash a smile hoping to disarm the situation.