When I Close My Eyes

Friggin group.... And their witchcraft ways of getting me to talk...

^Sincerely thoughts from Cynthia
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James just stood there watching me beat the ever lovin shit out if the dumpster..
"Why does nothing good happen to me!!!!" I yelled "I haven't had a single good thing happen to me in fucking 5 years..."
James was silent..
I hissed and fell backward onto my ass and dumped my bag out separating it into a few piles. The pile I'd rip up. The family pile. The me pile. The Alfie pile. And The Alfie's pictures pile. I felt a tear run down my cheek..
I mixed the me, Alfie, and Alfie's pictures pile together and scooted them off..
I started ripping photo after photo apart form the family pile and just the ones to rip up..
Oh the pile to rip up?
Yeah that was the pile I ripped up when I had spare time.
Most of them were pictures of me and Vince...
Vince hadn't wanted anything to do with Alfie...
I hissed as I ripped one of my old favorites of me making out with him...
I was deathly skinny, short, and smiling. Something I don't do anymore if I'm happy. Because I'm never happy.. I was in a skin tight short hot pink dress with black Lacey quarter sleeve and knee high black boots with large hot pink bows on the sides of them. He was wearing a snazzy suit that fit his muscular frame well. I had my arms wrapped around his neck and had one hand in his spiky messed up hair, of course he had one hand on my ass which was quite my feature at the time and one hand combing through my wavyish dark chocolate brown hair which was almost black but in the sun you could see the brown, I was very pale too.
Oh yeaaaaaaaah.....
I dug in my bag and dug out a bag of chips and started eating before slowly ripping the photo up in my hand making sure the pieces didn't hit the ground... Then I got out my lighter and burned every little piece individually until every little bit was ash..
I chuckled "if only photos were real life so I could've burned that smug fucking look off his face and then burned him to ash." I said thinking aloud "then let's see who gets the last laugh"
I continue stripping photos apart photo after photo till James sat down beside me picking up a photo...
I slammed my hand down on his hand forcing him to drop it before matching it "DONT TOUCH MY PHOTOS!!!" I snarled the fury and fire in my eyes danced as I did so.
I looked at the photo and looked away "shouldn't have let that kid have a camera...." I muttered...
It was a photo of Vince beating the shot out of me.. Same day as the photo I had just burnt...
He looked at me looking confused and sad "please tell me?" He asked softly cocking his head slightly...
I gotta admit that was fucking hella cute. Gotta learn it.
I bit my lip "I.... I actually haven't told anyone before.... So I don't know.... How......" Or if I could keep it together.... He put an arm around me soothingly "it's ok, just start form the beginning" he said
I cleared my voice quietly "well it all started when.... I was 5.. I had an abusive family... Every single one of them... Mom dad grandma and grandpa were drunks so I took a worse beating form them... They always called me the misfit.... The one who was damned to hell... The one who was going to be the first to die because god would get impatient in waiting for me to die and strike me down in a flurry of lighting... That was when I was 12 and was questioning my reality... I thought I was a lesbian but didn't want to die so I had met Vince when I started kindergarten so when I was 14 and he asked me out I said yes.... The next same year he started beating me.... Because I wasn't being a 'good girl' and I wouldn't give him my virginity......" My eyes started to sting "a-a-and the month after t-that......" I trailed off as tears began rushing out.. "He r-raped me" I whispered almost silently.
His face drained of color and silence choked the air...
I wiped tears from my eyes but they kept coming...
about five minutes later I calmed a bit but only to have tears rush down my face even more "but I don't regret it... Because then I never would've had Alfie..." I said a little smile forming "oh I miss my baby... Always smiling... Always itching... Always taking photos... Always full of life and a bundle of joy....." I whispered "but then...... We were called to a family meeting... We went and we were sitting down in the large dining room and...... They burst through the windows.. And I watched every fucking one of them die" my soft smile turned into a wicked scowl in a flash "they killed my baby... HE SHOULDVE LIVED!!!! HE SHOULDVE ATLEAST GOTTEN MARRIED!!!! BUT NO HIS LIFE IS CUT SHORT WHEN HES FIVE BECAUSE THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT MADE AN 'ACCIDENT'!!!!" I screamed in fury and anger...
I hiccuped still in tears and shuddered, then I brought my hands up and wiped them all away until I had fully sucked it up.
"Then I was still fucking dating Vince because he wouldn't let me leave... He fucking ran... Like a coward... Then he found me and didn't even ask about Alfie!!!! So about a month later we hadn't any food.... Because it was winter and..... That's when he chased me trying to kill me and then eat me... All because I wouldn't have sex with him and 'repopulate' he put it... TAHT fucking bastard... Then he called me a useless piece of shit baby carrier and the only way anyone was going to ever have sex with me is if they raped me....... And that's when I had had enough and whirled around hitting him with a frying pan.. And I was on the run then. He found me a few times and I gave him a few scars then he just disappeared, a nice group took me in and I got to take care of the pregnant woman... They were so happy... There was 5 of them... Each had husbands and use to live happy lives... And then a horde over took the camp.... And I couldn't hold them off..." A few stray tears dripped as I remembered their horrified scared crying faces.... They were sacred into my mind... "And I joined 3 groups after only to watch the hordes demolish them.... Each and everytime....... I was the only surviver....." I whispered finishing.... Before punching a fist into the ground "that's why I'm fucking leaving!!! Because I can take it anymore!!! I can't take the fucking hurt of seeing people die!!! Because I get attached easily!! And then they die and I try to die and it only gets people killed!!!!! I'm a danger to whatever's left in society!!!" I yelled as I stood after chunking all the photos back in my back pack only then looking up....
The whole group had gathered sitting beside James...
I growled and whirled around storming forward, I don't even know why I bothered telling him. Oh wait make them plural! Them. That's more like it.
But not a like as in good.. More like dislike it.
"Please don't go, Thia" I heard whisper from behind me...
Amy looked up at me with big round brown eyes with tears in them as her lip quivered.
I shook my head "I can't watch you all die!!! And I won't!!!" I yelled.
She looked away hurt..
I bit my lip "I'm sorry..." I trailed off
"Dimi, darling bestie of mine!"
I felt Dimi jump onto my back and press on my pressure points.
Again I was out cold..
How lovely this group treats me.