Selfish Mistakes

19 - The Pact

Liz felt the throbbing pain on the left side of her head before she could open her eyes.  Confusion took over as she sprang upright and opened her eyes.  She was sitting on a hospital bed and saw Jeremy standing outside the room through the glass wall; he was talking to another doctor.

He took notice of her and bid farewell to the doctor before entering the room.  Liz still couldn't remember what happened and why she just woke up from a hospital bed.

"Feeling ok?"  His voice wasn't angry, rather sounded deeply worried.

All she could answer was a nod.  She could remember storming out of his car and then nothing.  Embarrassment held her back from asking him with details.

"You fainted.  Luckily, your head didn't crack open when it hit the sidewalk.  Just a concussion and a few scratches on your arm."  Jeremy didn't know where to start with his questions.  After hearing what the doctor said about her labtest result, he couldn't make up his mind if he was surprised or relieved.

"I have to go."  Liz felt her heart skip a beat, now was not the time to stay around to give an explanation as to why she fainted.  It wasn't the first time she lost consciousness, although her past episodes of syncope were discreetly handled by Casey and her NICU staff.

Jeremy leaned closer and kissed her lips to silence her stubborn streak.  He was out of ideas of how to handle the subject of her pregnancy without having to bring up another fight with her.

The kiss seemed to dull her capacity to think, it made her want to melt unconditionally in his arms and give up running away.

"You have to take care of yourself even more... we have a baby counting on you for that."  There he said it.  Without a doubt he wasn't even going to try to deny the fact that she was carrying his child.  It was a proud moment for him.

Sure it was a bit unplanned, but he'd be lying to himself if he said he didn't want it.

Liz felt her tears rolling down her cheeks in utter helplessness.  She can't tell him yet about her heart condition.  She wasn't even sure if he wanted the baby or if he just somehow felt obligated to accept it out of pity or guilty conscience.

~~~~~~~~~~~~#####~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sound of her heart pumping blood during the 2D Echo ultrasound doppler procedure made her hands cold and shaky.

"Are you distressed right now?  I'm not going to get a decent reading if you don't calm down."  Hank tried to curb his temper, he hated being an overbearing cardiologist towards Liz.  "How many times have you fainted in the last six months?"

"I don't know... I can't remember."  She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.  A lot has happened since she met Jeremy and her everyday monotonous tasks seemed to fade from her memory.  Moments that involved Jeremy were the only ones that she effortlessly retained in her mind.

Liz tried to calm herself with a fond memory of the day at the beach while she was on her vacation alone eight years ago.  The view of the sunset was her favorite scene.  Her thoughts brought back the sense of peace she felt while her feet were submerged under the shallow waters of the shore, bubbles carried by the waves tickled her skin.

It was supposedly her soul-searching escapade until it turned into a disastrous nightmare when she was stalked by a weird cab driver.  A hard lesson in life that almost traumatized her to the extent of developing a phobia towards the beach.  There was no choice but to charge the incident to a list of experiences she didn't want to repeat.

Hank waited until he was done with the procedure before reminding Liz of what to expect during her pregnancy.  "The fainting spells could get worse as the pregnancy progresses.  Expect that this would have a huge impact on your breathing, chest pains, and all the symptoms that you already have."

Liz wished she didn't have to hear this from Hank.  It only added to her stress.

"I assure you it could get worse so I need you to be honest with me and report every detail of changes you would observe starting today.  There will be adjustments on the dosage of your medications as we go along with your pregnancy.  I'd have to talk with the medical director so we can make sure your work schedule can be aligned, you need plenty of rest."

Hank also advised her to see the OB-GYNE regularly for the next couple of months to monitor the development of her baby.  Liz knew all of these things, and for the first time she was terrified not for her health but for the sake of the baby.

"Liz, as early as now, I want you to remember something..."  He looked into her eyes and saw how much she tried to hold back her tears.  This was the first time Hank saw fear in her eyes as she held her breath for what he was about to say.

"We could be very careful, but you have to prepare yourself.  If we reach the point where things could go wrong, I won't compromise your safety over your..."  Hank couldn't say the word 'baby' because that would gut her lifeless over the topic.

"No, Hank.   This is my body, if I tell you to save my child you should damn well do your job to save him at all cost.  Do you understand?"

They were both distracted with the sound of her phone vibrating to announce a text message that was received.