Philophobia

Chapter 23

You don't realize that what you had was the last good day until it was gone. You just write it off as another day. An ordinary and less than extraordinary day.

It was like a whisper amongst Alissa's thoughts, a rustle of a few leaves, nothing more.

If she had known that that day was going to be his last good day, she would've made it a note to memorize every good thing about Justin that day.

His lively hazel eyes.

His crooked smile that reminded her of suns and flowers and galaxies and stars and everything beautiful.

The stars trapped under his skin, that at one point formed a constellation underneath his eyes but receded gradually with age.

He had a crescent moon for a smile and smirks that would give you sun burns.

Even though she realized she didn't have a grand last good day with the love of her life, she was okay with it. Because even after he had gotten bad, he still reminded her of crescent moons and sun burns.

His still form, his pale-yet-tan face, all of the tangled webs of cords running into him... They all reminded her of what a good love she had. She had a best friend. Yet, also a companion that would set fire to her enemy's, if she had asked to do so.

She had an epic love. That's the term some people would use. One that was too beautiful to not write about.

So here she was, writing.

This is her story.

Although she didn't remember the last good day, she remembered the last bad day. And the day after that. And the next one after that. They all morphed into one stream of tears, screaming, and mourning. Those days were all vividly burned into her memory like an ugly scar.

The funeral was a week after he died. She mentally detached herself, because it was easier than explaining or even taking notice in the comfort that people tried to provide for her. She was numb.

She did, however, temporarily re-attach herself when she was asked to speak at the funeral. She realized she had to be brief, but say something worth remembering. Because Justin was worth remembering.

She shuffled up to the podium with her black dress swishing around her, the dress seeming to scream silently to move a little faster. The room was completely silent.

Justin's mother sat in the front row, tears visibly streaming down her face, clutching her two children tightly.

Alissa shook her head to grasp her bearings and looked out across the room that were Justin's friends and family.

"Most of you guys know me, but by chance you don't, I'm Alissa. I've been friends with Justin ever since we were little kids. He's been my companion through everything, and I can't believe that he's actually gone. It's like he's here in the room with us, probably making fun of us, let's face it." She stopped to let everyone let out small relieving laughs. She was never good in serious situations. "Anyways, this doesn't really matter, but me and Justin were, are in love. He will always be my true love."

She stopped, scanning the crowd again. She sucked in a deep breath and tried to continue.
"Rumi once said, "Those beautiful words we said to one another
are hidden in the secret heart of heaven. One day like the rain, they will pour our love story all over the world."" She paused. "One day, I'll get to reunite with him, but for now-" She choked up and tears started streaming down her cheeks. "For now, 'I'll see ya later' will have to suffice." She grabbed a tissue and pressed it to her eyes, shaking her head.

She smiled, through her tears and said, "so Justin, I guess I'll see ya later."

A sob escaped Patties' mouth as she wept more. Alissa quickly went over to Pattie and pulled her into a hug, rocking with her back and forth.

After that, everything was a blur. All of the cards and apologies and hugs morphed into one mess. Alissa didn't mind, she thought it was better that way. She got away from the crowd and subdued herself to her car, pounding the steering wheel and throwing things, all to no avail. He wasn't coming back.

Even now, 5 years later, it astonished her that he was actually gone. She remembers his touch so precisely. She remembers the way he would attempt to soothe her by running his thumb across the back of her hand. She remembers the way he slept and his messed up hair and crooked smile and how he was full of complexities and contradictions and how she would swear that he was a hurricane.

He was a hurricane.

He came and made her feel like a whirlwind and created chaos in her heart, and then, just like that, he was gone.

She didn't see him being gone as sad anymore. She remembers the time she had with him as a blessing. As should this story.

She wrote this story to remember him.

So Justin, if you're reading this, Alissa loves you.

All of these horrible moments all added up to this. Up to happiness, and joy, and chaos. And she had come to accept that that was okay. Chaos is okay. Chaos reminds you that life is an imperfect mess. I repeat, that is okay.

Remember the good moments of life, so when the bad moments come around, you'll have to something to grasp onto for hope. Just remember, even the worst days last twenty-four hours.

Maybe they'll meet again, in another lifetime.

But right now, she picks herself up from her computer screen and stretches her stiff muscles.

The form of a little boy pads into the kitchen, pajamas clad to his thin frame.

"Hey mom." The boy smiles, opening the fridge that was covered with drawings and important things.

"Hey Drew, want some food?" Alissa smiles and gets up to ruffle his brown hair which resulted in him swatting her hand away like a pesky fly.

"Sure, can I have a sandwich?" Drew replies with a toothy grin, resembling his father in so many ways in that moment.

It may of taken her a good 17 years, but Alissa finally learned how to love without being afraid of the consequences, and that love was extraordinary.

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//the end//

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Hey guys, I wasn't expecting the end to be so close, but as I was writing this chapter, it just felt right. I hope this chapter was everything you expected and I hope you loved it as much as I did writing it. This made me sad to think about my first book actually being finished. This is insane and I'm so grateful for everyone who decided to stick around. This is it.

God, I make it sound like I'm dying or something. but hey, if you ever want to read any of my other works, my next novel is You're Poison and it's better written than this I promise :)))

i love you guys so much! Thanks for voting and commenting and being dear to my heart!

- Shea <3