Disclaimer: I love watt pad. There are thousands of phenomenal stories out there. I do not hate the authors of the cliché books I am protesting. I am not saying they are horrible people or even bad writers. Also, sorry about being too lazy to edit this. Without further ado, I bring you Bb's rant.
Alright. We have to talk about that girl. You know the one. She has claimed the lives of many otherwise wonderful stories. She has turned legions of readers against her. She is singlehandedly creeping undetected into the brains of talented writers, and she plans on world-or at least wattpad-domination. All of you know her name.
Mary Sue. A name that sends chills down your spine.
Why? Well, that's obvious. Because she's perfect.
And perfect people are evil.
Oh, sure, she may call herself Alex or Brianna or Jessica, but we all know who she is.
The devil incarnate.
Still not sure who I'm talking about? Well. Why don't I give you guys an interview.
Me: Hello Mary Sue. How are you?*giggles at rhyme*
Mary Sue: *blankly* My name is Ainsley Alexis Jess Autherson, actually.
Me: Cut the crap, I know it's you. But whatever, I'm just going to ask you some questions, okay?
Mary Sue: um , okay? About what exactly?
Me: oh, just your life and personality and relationships and stuff, nothing hard. So why don't you tell us about yourself?
Mary Sue: um, I'm 16 years old, I am a total nerd and a social outcast with no friends.
Me: that's what she always says.*turns back to Mary Sue* and if you don't mind saying, in what respect are you a nerd?
Mary Sue: um... I study and do homework. Sometimes.
Me: well that doesn't make you a nerd, you know.
Mary Sue: yes it does. Smart people are obviously dorks.
Me: okaaaay. And who would you say is the most popular girl in your school?
Mary Sue: uhhhh. Me.
Me: And do you have a boyfriend?
Mary Sue: actually I'm undergoing a heart wrenching decision between the bad boy, the rich boy and the nice guy.
Me: and who are you leaning toward?
Mary Sue: the bad boy, Hunter. He has a motorcycle and a leather jacket, so obviously he's a great guy.
Me: why not the nice guy or the rich guy?
Mary Sue: well, I don't really need the money, and he's not the nicest guy, so no to rich guy. As for the nice guy, well, I can't tell you.
Me: Why not?
Mary Sue: it's a SECRET!* starts crying*
Me, bewildered: ooookaaay. Uh,
why don't I get your Mother?
Mary Sue, screaming: My mother never wanted me! I was a mistake!
me:*looks at camera guy* It's a wrap.
Okaaaay...
Mary Sue is blonde and Caucasian. Now, being a blonde myself, I have no problem with someone being blonde. I do, however, have a problem with 90 percent of the population in Mary Sue's town being blonde!
Makes me think of horrible ww2 jokes, and I do not like that.
Why are there no homosexual, Asian or black people? Why is Mary Sue so pretty? If she's such a nerd, why is she invited to all these parties? Who even has high school parties? Has anybody actually seen a house with windows on the side that face the room next door? Why is the crazy best friend the only remotely relatable character?
And is there some sort of phenomenon that makes the males outnumber the females 3:1? That would, after all, explain why there are three extraordinarily burn your face off hot guys chasing a completely average girl.
These questions are conveniently ignored by Mary Sue & co., but they cannot be ignored by us.
Ladies, gentlemen, fellow wattpadians, readers of the world; it is time.
Our time has come: the age of the reader.
We cannot let Mary Sue take it from us.
Well, I hope you liked my impassioned speech! I'm still not entirely sure if I was joking...
Next chapter: the SECRET!
-Bb's
YOU ARE READING
Why is my life not like a watt pad novel?
HumorA humorous rant about what watt pad has done to my expectations. Boys, Mary Sue, all that jazz.
