Free Writing

Mom

They ask me if I'm okay, they ask me if I'm happy. Are they asking me that because of the stuff that's been thrown at me or am I just a little snappy and they generally care?  Mom, most of my life it has just been me and you there. I continuesly stare at pictures of you. I never got to say I love you as much as I wanted to but I do. I say that now that you can't hear me, what good does that do now? 

I'm losing my mom; I know I am. The doctors keep saying that if she doesn't die while she's here and she pulls through then she'll be back within a week or two and even worse. I know she wouldn't want this pain. To keep her here is just selfish. She needs to be out of this misery that she's in. I hate that she's in so much pain but there's nothing any one can do to try to make it better. She's going to be in pain until she dies. I know she doesn't want this. Why would any one want all these tubes in them. She's in too much pain to be here with us. She doesn't need to be here for our happiness. She doesn't need to be here if she's like this.

I can't imagine how my brothers feeling. He's the power of attorney. He gets to say whether she lives or dies.  My brother was saying how he wishes that she'll wake up just to say a proper good bye and tell him what she wants. He doesn't want to feel like he's killing her.  He chose for them not to do CPR on her if her heart stops. I think that was a better decision. Today I missed school to be here with my mom. I have a ton of homework that I have to turn in. I missed my cheer practice twice now. Gail called to cancel my eye appointment. I'm so stressed as well as my whole family.

I remember my friend telling me how when her dad died she would forget the most weirdest things. Like how she would forget to put her other shoe on and just simple things like that. I think I felt it last time my mom came to the hospital. I would wear my tank top to get ready and then when it was time to leave I would but when I put my back pack I would remember that I needed to put my shirt on. It's weird how that happens. I'm spacing out and I felt it yesterday. People were asking me questions but I couldn't really answer them. I felt bad because they kept having to repeat themselves. I couldn't stop spacing out.

I just wanted to thank all my friends. I don't know where I would be with out them. I know I wouldn't be here in the hospital. I wouldn't have went to Washington DC. I wouldn't have a place to take a shower when they were remodeling my house. I wouldn't have many things in my life if it weren't for them. I am so lucky to have friends who would do so much for me. I know I can annoy them some times but I wouldn't know who else to go to. Sure my family's around and I trust them but my friends are great and they understand.

My brother left to boot camp just right now. I'm not sure what I feel about that. I think he should be here with our mom. He knows she's dying and that she's going to die soon. The doctor said that they couldn't even believe she was still alive. It's a miracle that she made it this far. That's freaking scary to tell some one. She's been working her life away just trying to push through. I'm not sure how she got so far my self. It's crazy how this happened.

I remember when my mom was telling me that if she didn't get a liver transplant then it would soon be a matter of time. It's hard for your mom to say something like to you expecially when you're so young. I knew this day would come but it all happened so sudden. When people ask me how my mom is I don't know how to reply. She's showing very little improvement but it's not a big enough improvement. I can't say that I'm surprised that she's the way she is right now but I didn't expect it to happen so soon. I know I'm going to miss her and I know it's going to hurt but I'm not really prepared.