Free Writing

Free Write

Yasmin Rangel

English 11

18 September 2015

Free Write

I am astonished with how much support I have received following my mothers death. I have gotten so much love pouring in from all over the world and in my community. I have received letters and prayers and I couldn't ask for more. Many people who I haven't spoken to in a long time or even ever are giving me their support. My husbands sister and I talked and some of my favorites talked. Me and my sisters have been talking about our recent and not so recent losses. People tell me, "If you need any one to talk to, I'm here for you.", "If you need anything, anything at all, let me know." So why do I still feel so alone? Why doesn't it feel right? The only place I go to for comfort is music. Half A Heart by One Direction and Better With You by This Wild Life explains how I feel. I know that these songs are about a boy and girl breaking up but the song just talks about how they miss some one. "Being here without you is like I'm waking up to only half a blue sky." "Forget all we said that night, no it doesn't even matter." "If there's a way for us to learn to forgive, there's nothing that I wouldn't give." "There's still a space that I have buried away. It's deep in my heart, it's always your place." Music just makes everything better.

I feel bad because I feel like I'm supposed to cry. My other dad asked me if I have broken down yet. The night that she passed, I was at Jesus'. I went to sleep at 11:30. Fifteen minutes before she died. I was asleep and then I suddenly woke up. It was about 11:50 and I didn't think much of it. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. When I went back to sleep it wasn't long until it happened again. This time I checked my phone and I had a text from Gail: She just passed away. When I looked up from my phone Gail came through the door of the bed room. She told me she passed and that she didn't want me to find out through a text but she had to tell me. I understood and I let her know it was fine. She asked me if I was okay and I said yeah. She left and I spent until three o clock on the phone with a friend. I didn't cry because I knew it was coming. It wasn't until the morning after that I cried. I remember my mom telling me how people are going to miss her at the Head Start. She was right, she was there for 17 years and if she was in better health she would've kept going. That morning I was thinking about that conversation. She has taught so many kids. When ever we were out in town people would call her Teacher Terry and she was always a good spirit when kids were around. All I was thinking was, "So many more people will miss you now.You left the community first and then us. It went from just parents and kids missing her, to parents, kids, daughter, sons, mothers, cousins, tias, tios, and so many more. That's when I started crying. I only cry when I think of the long term. I cry when I think of how many peoples lives she touched and how many other people will miss her.

I think the hardest part about losing a parent at such a young age is all the things they're not going to be there for. My mom isn't going to be there when I graduate. My mom's not going to be there for my senior night. My mom isn't going to be the one who gets to teach me how to drive. My mom's not going to be there for my prom and she's not going to be there when I get married. She's not here for me right now. I know a lot of people say that she's with us in spirit but we don't know that for sure. The only people who know what happens after you die are the people who have died. They can't come back and tell us what happens, honestly who would believe the people who claim they know what happens after death? I want to know if she's back with Lysette and her brothers and father. I want to know if they age up there or if there really is an "up there". Is Lysette 19 or is she still a month old? Is my mom recovered or does she still have her complications? Has she been ruined with her brothers? Is it everything she imagined? Has she met my mom and dad?

My mom and dad died when I was just a baby. Are they still here with me or have they gone to heaven? Have they been watching over me? Have they seen my life and what I've been going through? They're probably not proud of me if they have done all that. Will my mom come back and watch over me too or are my parents enough? It's crazy to think about the what ifs in my life. What if my parents didn't die? I would still be with my birth family and I probably wouldn't even be speaking English. Would money be a problem for us? Would we have a house to live in? Would we even be in The United States? How would my life be right now if my parents never died?It's hard to think that if I was still with them, then Terry Gonzales wouldn't have ever been in my life. Her death would mean nothing to me and Jesus Gonzlaes wouldn't be my brother. I would still have Oscar and maybe others too. Are they proud of the way my mom raised me? Are they proud of the life I'm living? I just want to talk to all of them.

I'm just living my life waiting for it to get better. I'm waiting for my life to get easier. I'm waiting for the burning in my chest to go away. It's been almost three weeks since she passed away. I thought of her every day after. She's always on my mind even when I don't want her to be. I can hear her nagging me to clean my room. I can hear her voice so clearly. I'm starting to do things simply because I know she would want me to. I am living with my father now but it's hard to process. One week ago we had my moms services at the church. I couldn't even bear to be at the annual fiestas at the church because I kept having flash backs. When we were walking out of the church I got to see how much people were there. The whole church was packed with friends and families. I couldn't believe how much people were there. I had to sit there and watch as people went up to say their final goodbye. It was hard because I knew there was nothing any one can do.