Painting Flowers

Chapter 5

   "Jack?" a voice whispered into the silence, waking me up and causing me to jolt suddenly as my eyes flashed open, taking in the darkness around me. I looked around at the carpet that I was lying on for a few seconds, before gulping and sitting up and looking around. I could see that Alex was sitting up in bed, the outline of his arms wrapped tightly around his chest, and I smiled weakly at him, even though my head was spinning and he probably couldn't see me.

  "Hi," I breathed, lifting a fist from inside the sleeping bag (which had unzipped during the night) I was apparently staying in and rubbing my eye with a fist and yawning. "Hi. What's the time? What's up?"

  "Hi," Alex said quietly. I heard his mattress squeak as he shuffled around. "It's... it's half four."

  "Ugh," I sighed, tilting my head back to look at the ceiling and frown. "Why're you up so early? We've got school tomorrow."

  "I couldn't sleep," he whispered, and I brought my head forward to stare at him as he continued, "Bad dreams. I was just scared of being alone."

  "Hey, you're not alone," I said softly. "I'm here. Albeit, a little tired and possible cranky tomorrow morning, but I'm here." Alex nodded. "So, um, what was your dream about?"

  "It was..." he started, but sighed after a while, dropping his head to stare at the covers of his bed. "Can you come up here and I'll tell you? It's a little hard speaking all the way across my mattress."

  "Sure," I nodded, forcing myself to stand up and blink the dizziness away. I carefully made my way over the clothes I'd shedded on the floor, tip-toeing over his carpet with the sleeping bag still huddled around me tightly. I eventually knelt down on top of his mattress, smiling nervously at Alex and bringing the cover tighter around my shoulders. "It's cold," I laughed awkwardly.

  Alex nodded again. "Yeah," he murmured, and I crossed my legs. "Um... right, so should I elaborate on why I had bad dreams? Do you care?"

  "'Course I care," I said, furrowing my eyebrows at him. "Dunno what elaborate means, but I care if you're upset by something. So tell me. Is it a girl getting you down?"

  "No," he said quickly, shaking his head. "I've never had a girlfriend. It's..." Alex bit his lower lip. "I know it's a bit soon in our friendship to be sharing this, but I trust you, Jack, alright? Okay, basically... I had a brother, a few years ago, 's name was Tom. He was the best person I ever knew, genuinely, he was so funny and witty and he was just the most awesome big brother ever. But he died. He k- killed himself a few years ago, 'cause of me, and we were in the middle of this stupid fucking argument and he locked himself in his bedroom and shot himself. And ever since, I've hid this consuming and drowning sense of anxiety and just general fear that Tom died thinking I hated him. Which isn't true. I love him. So much. And I have these nightmares, all the fucking time, that he comes back as a ghost and- and he hates me, Jack, he says I'm a selfish bastard for making him kill himself, and I always try and say I'm sorry, but Tom doesn't want to even fucking listen to me and he just kills me too. It's like a recurring dream, and it won't fucking go away. I just want it to stop."

  I felt this guilt twisting in the pit of my stomach. I already knew that Alex had a brother who died, from May telling me at dinner two nights ago, it just felt so awful hearing the real story from Alex himself, his eyes glinting slightly with threatening tears and his teeth clamped over his bottom lip in an obvious attempt not to burst out crying. I gulped and reached out, letting the open sleeping bag fall from around my shoulders down to the bed as I wrapped my arms around Alex, burying my face into the crook of his neck and pressing my nose against his shoulder as Alex cautiously slid his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. We stayed like that for a minute, silently hugging atop of the mess that Alex called his bed, before he whispered, "You're amazing at hugging," quietly into my ear, and I broke away, grinning.