Painting Flowers

Chapter 15

  Three days after the mishap at the party, and I'd succeeded in ignoring Alex for each one of them. It was pretty difficult, since we lived right next door to each other and we were in most of the same classes together, but I just arrived late to every lesson and was first to leave when the bell sounded for break or lunch. I blanked him every time we passed in the halls, although I couldn't help but notice how desperate and sad his large eyes looked peeking out from beneath his dark fringe. 

  I didn't let it get to me. 

  He deserved this. 

  (At least, I tried to convince myself he did.)

  I just couldn't believe I'd been completely wasted for my first kiss with Alex. I didn't know if we would have any more. I didn't know if I wanted us to have anymore. I didn't know anything; my mind was just a total clutter of messed up thoughts about Alex, and if I liked him in that way or if I didn't, and I thought that it was kind of like those dramas that May watched about some girl fretting over if she wanted to choose the sporty guy or the smart guy and how she was just a total spoilt bitch. Well, my situation wasn't that I was stuck between two guys- it was one guy, my best fucking friend, or nothing. And nothing was looking pretty damn attractive right now. 

  I was still deep in thoughts when I reached home after another day of school, dropping my bag into the floor, kicking my shoes off and running up the stairs, taking them two at a time so that I could reach my room and be alone in quicker time. I slipped through my bedroom door, closing it behind me and striding over to my bed which I instantly collapsed on, spread eagle and staring at the ceiling. Ceilings didn't have to go through the confusion of going to second base with their best friend when they were drunk and ending up totally lost about their sexuality and their thoughts and everything. Lucky fuckers. 

  I thought for a while. 

  Maybe we should've just laughed it off when we both woke up, half naked, next to each other. Like, 'Whoops! Nearly fucked you last night! It's a common thing, whatever, d'you wanna come over and play xBox?' But nope. No fucking way would fate be that kind; instead, Alex said he liked it and he'd been waiting for it for ages and that he really wanted to go out with me and ugghhhhhhh.

  Feelings are fucking shit. 

  'Cause I had no idea if I liked him back. I mean sure, kissing him again would be nice. I bet he had soft lips. Fuck. No. Bad, Jack. Stupid, Jack. Stop thinking about making out with a guy, Jack.

  This was confusing. 

  Yes, I wanted to kiss Alex again. Yes, I wanted to see what his lips felt like again. Yes, I wanted to push him up against a wall and grind against him again, and hear him moan my name and pull at my hair. Yes, that made me a fucking weirdo. 

  "I don't know," I thought aloud, sighing and grabbing at my hair. "I don't fucking know anymore. I just... I'm so confused. I don't know! I don't fucking know! What the fuck am I supposed to do?!"

  "Teenage angst," a voice said from outside of my window, and I shot up like a rocket, eyes widened as they met Alex's from behind the window pane. He was awkwardly squatting on the end of a branch, holding on to my house's windowsill. I was almost expecting a playful smirk to be on his face, but he just stared at me blankly. 

  "Fuck," I groaned, closing my eyes and rubbing my forehead. "Alex, what do you want?"

  "Let me in," he said. I opened my eyes and looked at him. I couldn't tell if he were mad or scared or anything because his face gave nothing away, he just looked right back at me and repeated his words of "let me in."