When I got home, I cried my eyes out. This is the first time I've cried in a long time and in a way, I wasn't just crying over Josh. I was crying about all the bullshit that's happened since the last time I cried. It's been piling up and now this Josh thing has sent me over the edge.
Who the fuck does he think he is??? How can he say I'm not there for him? I was there for him last night. I didn't let him get in his car and drive home wasted because, it was obvious his friends didn't care. They were just as wasted as he was. No one was going to stop him from driving home. It was me. I did it. I cried even harder thinking of what would've happened had he gotten in that car. God, I love him so much. Does he even know that?
Now that I think about it, I have never told Josh I love him. But he should know that, right? Right?? I feel like such a jerk. But, he was out of line so I'll let him come to me and then I'll tell him how I feel. Maybe I'm even ready for a relationship.
I hear a knock at my door, interrupting my thoughts. "Yes?" My dads come in. "What's wrong, hunny?" Daddy asks. I dry my eyes quickly and sit up. "I was just watching a movie. It got sad." Dad looks at me with disbelief while Daddy looks like he totally understands. Hence their names. Daddy's the softey while Dad's more of the disciplinary figure. "Ok, we were just checking on you before we headed over to Jane's. We love you."
They both kiss me and leave my room shutting the door. Even though its only 6:30, I decide to call it a night. I don't feel like being bothered. Not with dad, not with daddy and not even Dawon. I crawl under the covers and shut my eyes until I'm fast asleep.
I wake up early and go running. Earlier than anyone else wakes up. I feel energetic after going to sleep early last night so I decided to go around the whole neighborhood. When I get home, I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and read. This is how my day went. Running, Reading and the occasional nap. I'm in a funk. I need to come out of it. But its sad to say that only Josh can help me out of it. I need him.
I check my phone to see if maybe he called, texted, tweeted, anything. Nope. I scroll through notifications I don't care about, even some from Dawon.
Dad and Daddy try to get me to go to church. I turn their offer down. I'm just not up for people today, even if one of those people are God. Plus, I haven't eaten since yesterday's breakfast. With Josh. I sigh. There's no point in this. If he wanted me back he would've called. Right? Thats what I tell all my friends when they need relationship advice but shit, what do I know about relationships? I've never even been in one and I managed to ruin the one I almost had. What type of shit is that?
I hear a knock at my window. I already know who it is. Dawon, he's the only person who comes through my window when he can come through the door. He just likes being dumb. I open the window and let him in without a word.
He sits down on the bed and stares at me. "What?"
"What? Where the fuck have you been?? I saw you at that party last night. I was a little tipsy but I knew it was you. What if you would've left with some guy and he chopped you up into a million pieces? You couldn't hit me back real quick and let me know you good? Damn," he says. Him too?
"You not my fucking daddy," I say, going into the bathroom and locking it behind me. I get down and bring my knees to my chest, crying. Why do I keep crying like this? What is going on? I half expected a joke from Dawon. Something like "I'm not your daddy but I can be," with a sexy smirk. I get that feeling in between my legs and I already know what that means. I'm horny. Fuck.
I already know what you're thinking. You can be a horny virgin. Dawon softly knocks on the door. "Bestie?" I ignore him. "Why you crying like a little pussy? You on your monthly thing?" I laugh at that and open the door. He always makes me laugh when I'm sad. "No but foreal dawg, whats wrong? I ain't never seen you like this.." he tells me.
I've never broke down in front of anyone. Thats just not me. I keep my misery to myself. But, this time the pain was too much. So, I told him. I told him everything. About how I wanted Josh to be my first everything, about how I felt for him, about how he spent the night and then flipped on me. The whole story. He just held me as I cried.
He didn't joke, he didn't flirt, he didn't even talk. He just held me. All I needed was a friend because after that, I felt so much better. I fell asleep in his arms and woke up alone. I sighed and went to the bathroom to get ready for school. There was a note taped to my mirror. How cliché. I read it:
Dear Carli,
I wasn't sure what to say to you so I wrote it. On one hand I wanted to go beat Josh's ass, on the other hand: I wanted to comfort you as much as I could. Carli you are the most beautiful, amazing, and smart girl I have ever met. Every girl wants to be your friend. Every nigga wanna fuck you but you don't even pay them no attention and I respect that. I'm homored you chose me to be your best friend. Everything I'm saying to you in 100% legit. You are a princess, you too fucking pretty to be crying over any nigga. You the shit. And if Josh don't know this, he not worthy of your time. Promise me you'll keep all this in mind. Some niggas not worth it.
Love, your best friend: Dawon Goofball Jacobson
I smile. My best friend.
