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October 11, 2015

I miss her so much. Keeping a distance is tough, but I know I have to. She doesn't want me around, and I completely understand; I wouldn't want me around either. I'm getting better though. I can bare with being Cam now, the new Cam anyways. The new me is trying so hard to be better, but I'm struggling. I wish I could say that I didn't miss partying, but honestly, I do.

It's Sunday, and I have to think of a few more things to add to my list; I'm stressing about it. It scares me to say goodbye to so many things that I love doing, but it terrifies me to think of losing Emery for good. So I'll do it, I'll do anything to have her back.

I closed my journal, and spun around in my chair. I thought about things to add to my list as I watched all the atifacts on my walls blur together. The chair slowed to a stop, and my eyes fell on one of my playboy posters.

My answer was loud and clear. "I get it God, those have to go right?" I can live with throwing away a few pieces of paper.

I sighed and stood up, deciding which one had to go first. I chose a blonde girl, and I ripped her from the wall, collecting the tacks. One by one I tore each of them down. After that, I moved on to my party related posters.

"Sorry Bob, it's time for you to go." I said to my Bob Marley poster. I can't have anything that reminds me of pot.

I gathered them all into a trash bag, then grabbed my journal and Bible. My mom and dad gave me questioning looks as I walked out the front door with a full trash bag over my shoulder. I ignored them and continued on my mission.

I drove my car down to the lake this time where the fire pit is.

I made a quick fire, then I sat down next to it, soaking up its warmth. I took out a poster, balled it up, then fed it to the small flame. When it was erased, I tossed another in.

I dumped the rest of the bag on the fire, then piled some wood on top of it. I sat and watched as the last of my posters burned away.

After a few minutes of staring at the flames, I pulled out my journal. I have filled seven pages already; most of which are just paragraphs about how I miss Emery. But, it's something I guess.

The fire provided a decent amount of light so I could add to my list on the front page.

6. Get rid of all "inappropriate" posters in my room.

I glanced at the blazing pit, check.

I thought a while about what my next two could be. Something that won't be hard to do. I wrote down the first two things I thought of that sounded easy.

7. Be nicer to family

A.k.a, I won't talk to them. I thought.

8. Save my money

Since I wasn't buying pot anymore, I don't have anything to spend it on anyways.

Keeping up with five things is hard enough, now I just added three more to the mix.

Figuring that now is the best time to do it, I read about two chapters in my bible.

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Now that I'm single again, I can sit with the guys in the lunchroom, although my mind will probably stay on Emery the entire time.

I placed a slice of pizza on my plate next to the fries, and then looked for Jake in the crowded room.

Jake, Tyler, and John sat in a round booth in the far corner of the lunch room. I slowly made my way to them, debating on whether or not I should sit with them. This is the first time I've spoken to them since mine and Emery's breakup, and I'm reluctant to hear there thoughts on the matter.

They looked at me with surprised expressions as I slid in the seat next to Jake.

"Welcome back, man." Jake said. I can't tell if he knows what happened or not; his stupid grin won't give away any hints.

"Yep, I'm back." I said, silently wishing I wasn't.

"So, what happened?" John asked. Obviously he knew. "If you're in here, then there are problems with goody two-shoes."

I don't like him calling her that, or talking about her at all actually, but I let it go.

"Yeah, we broke up."

A smirk crossed his face. "As I knew you would.. But hey, you lasted longer than I thought you would.."

Tyler's face lit up, "oh, that reminds me, you owe me fifty bucks, John."

John shrugged, and pulled out a fifty dollar bill. Tyler plucked it from his slender fingers happily.

Great, my own friends betted against me. I'm really starting to regret sitting here.

"I'm sorry man, I know you really liked her." Jake said.

At least Jake is still on my side.

I gave him a small smile.

John glared at us, "well I know just the thing to get you back on your feet-"

"A raging party!" Tyler dropped the punchline excitedly.

"Oh, I'm not really in the mood for a party." I tried.

"Dude, it's just a bonfire really, no big deal." John clarified.

"Yeah Cam, just come and have a good time with us. It'll be fun." Jake said. "You haven't hung out with us in a while."

"I know, but I'm kind of trying to stop partying."

Tyler gasped, "why?!"

I don't want them to know about my resent life change, so I lied instead. "I'm saving money to buy a new ride."

Jake crinkled his brow in confusion, "you love your Cruiser dude, why would you get rid of it?"

"I just want something new." I said.

He seemed to accept that answer after giving it some thought. "I'll buy it from you, well, my dad will." He said. "I hate my jeep anyways."

My heart sunk; I don't want to get rid of my car, he's right, it is my most prized possession. "Well, I want to keep it until I save up enough money for an upgradr." Perhaps he'll forget about me saying that I wanted to sell it.

John seemed annoyed with our side conversation. "So Cam, you coming Saturday or not?"

What do I say? If I say no, they'll need a reason why, and if I say yes, I'll ruin my good behavior streak...Well, I guess I could go and just not drink. Yeah, that would be fine, I think.

"Yeah, I'll go I guess."

"Awesome." John said, pleased with himself. "It's out at Tyler's dads lake house."

"Okay." I only plan to stay an hour or two then leave. They'll be so drunk, they won't notice anyways.

I took a few bites of my untouched pizza, then slipped from the group to dump my plate.

My next class starts in twenty minutes, then after that I have to go to work. I'll have plenty of time to think about my party plan at work since I usually just sit and test all the hookah tobacco flavors anyways.

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