Transgender F2M Journal

Friday, August 28, 2015

   I really hate being like this. Every time I have to take a shower I either avoid the mirror, wear a shirt, or put a towel over my neck so I don't have to see these fucking lumps of fat on my chest. I can't wait till I have top surgery. I wanna have bottom surgery but I was on this site that showed the surgeries and had whole pictures and doctors and everything. If you're younger I don't recommend it if you're near an adult or friends but do what you want, I'll post it in the comments.

Metoidioplasty looks way too small, and phalloplasty is just them removing skin to create that but it looks pretty fake in most pictures but is a nice length. Also the clitoris is under the penis so I don't know how some would like it, but if it's the only option available when I get older I'll choose phalloplasty.

I would like to know more about breast removal surgery but there isn't much on it in the places I've seen for f2m people. I wonder if it hurts for a long time afterwards. I hate my body. I feel like a regular cis male would until I sit down or have to look in a mirror or take a shower or even piss. But I'm going to buy a 38$ stp/packer and then save up money for the harness later. I wish I could've just been born the way I am inside instead of it being two opposites. I feel disconnected with my body.

A lot of people act as if being empty is fun but it's really not. I only stay this way because I avoid thinking too much about anything. I know if I think about it I might do bad things again so I don't think about it anymore. Those posts you see on tumblr are true, you really do make stupid jokes because it's either that or crying. My dad told me I bowl like a girl yesterday. Oh father, how I love your blatant sexism and expectations of me. At least he sees me as a guy now. He was making fun of my little brother and saying he wants to kiss his friend and I'm just like he's a seven year old for God sakes, he's not harming anyone so if they wanna kiss great but if not great, stop trying to force heterosexuality on him. He's only a kid. Don't make him grow up thinking it's wrong and feeling like something is wrong with him please. He doesn't deserve it.

Anyways that's it for this one. Sorry if it's a bit long, I just had a bit more on my mind. I'll just put the link on here. It's called transbucket.com I think, and it's pretty informational.