Renegade-N.H-

hold me down

**SLIGHTLY ADDICTED TO BADLANDS THANK HALSEY FOR THIS UPDATE**

"How many people has he killed?" I ask Niall as we lay in tangled in one another. My cold skin presses to the bare of his chest, and our thighs and ankles wrap in unison under the light sheets. This was my new favourite place to be.

"It's hard to count," Niall sighs pressing his lips to my forehead and closing his eyes tightly. "more than fifty... maybe..." he mumbles.

"How many have you killed?"

He doesn't open his eyes he just sits there, breathing quietly and pacing the conversation so I don't get upset. I can feel his heart start to pick up in tempo and he swallows hard before speaking again. "too many..."

"Did they deserve it?" I ask trying to calm him down, it doesn't work though.

"Most of them."

I turn, sitting up in bed and running my hand along his chest. I furrow my eyebrows and look into his blue eyes with purpose, I can feel his guilt. It floods his body with no intent of slowing as it drowns out his heart, "Did you ever... ever wish you had chosen the blood?"

"Never." he says finally taking a deep breath, he runs his hand along my head and holds my chin snugly in his hand. "Why are you asking this silly questions?"

"Declan said something to me..." I admit easily, he had been right about one thing. Lying about what was really going on in my head-and heart was just a failing way to crumple the both of us into a bloody dust.

"He's a load of shit Harley, you and I both know that."

"No, he said that..." I start but can't finish.

"He didn't...fuck." NIall swears and sits up better in bed taking a hold of my face and looking deeply into me he pauses. "There is not an ounce of anything dark inside of you."

"He told you?" I mumble trying not to cry, I wouldn't cry.

"We spoke about it after you fed Harry your blood, he..."

"You talked about it and didn't think it was important to include me?" I ask, my tone is angry but I'm calmer than I normally would be.

"Because there's nothing to worry about Lee, you are the kindest, softest person I know and nothing, not a single drop of darkness could ever take you. You the only person I have ever met that has every shred of her humanity, you couldn't think a bad thought about anyone..." but I had, over and over again I wished Harry dead, was it different because he was a killer? Or did it matter, was that still a loss of humanity, was that the darkness controlling my thoughts? "No, no it's not. That is nature, he hurt you and your brother and he threatened your life. You were protecting your family."

"I almost killed him!" I raise my voice and push away from his hands, sitting back on the bed with a heart as heavy as brick. "I wanted to kill him."

"But you didn't," he says. "that means something."

"It means nothing." I rub my hands over my face, just trying not cry but it's helpless and the tears start to stream down my face faster than I'd like them too.

"Lee," he says looking at me. "I've done a lot of shitty things in my life, things that you can't compare anything to and the only thing I'm sure about right now is that I love you and that you aren't a bad person, you never will be you don't have it in you."

I heard him say it loud and clear, but my brain doesn't know how to react and neither does my heart. He stares at me for a second, able to hear that my heart is thumping in my chest. I'm trying my hardest to keep him out of my head just for a few moments but it's not working and he's blank.