One-hundred sleepless nights

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN i felt like a silly schoolgirl

*trigger warning at the end*

After showering, As i wrung out my hair and damp clothes i started singing.
"It's been a long, long time since I've memorized your face
It's been four hours now since I've wandered through your place..." I trailed off as i walked out of the shower area and back to my bunk.
I set my damp clothes in my cart and sat on the bottom bunk braiding my hair.
"...And when I sleep on your couch I feel very safe
And when you bring the blankets I cover up my face..." i trailed in and out where i'd left off in the song.
"You're a really good singer."
Charlie's voice made me jump as he came around the curtain that separated my bunk from the hallway.
"No i'm really not, but thank you." i said and finished braiding my hair.
"Do you know the rest of that song?" Charlie asked and sat down on the other end of the bottom bunk.
"Sure. should i start where i left off?" i asked.
"No no, start over." He said.
"Okay." i smiled a little and couldn't help giggling. i felt like a silly school girl.

"It's been a long, long time since I've memorized your face
It's been four hours now since I've wandered through your place
And when I sleep on your couch I feel very safe
And when you bring the blankets I cover up my face..." I started singing.

And Charlie must have known the song because he joined in.

"I do love you
I do love you

And when you play guitar I listen to the strings buzz
The metal vibrates underneath your fingers
And when you crochet I feel mesmerized and proud
And I would say I love you, but saying it out loud is hard
So I won't say it at all
And I won't stay very long
But you are the life I needed all along
I think of you as my brother
Although that sounds dumb
Words are futile devices."

We finished singing and i stared down at the floor.
"Why'd you ask me to sing it if you already knew it?" i asked and finally looked up.
"I think you know." Charlie smirked and his cheeks flushed red. "Think about the lyrics."
I felt heat rising in my cheeks and i looked down for a moment then up again.
"I... i don't know what to say. I, that-" i stammered but Charlie cut me off by leaning in and kissing me.
"Its okay i don't know what to say either." he laughed quietly.
I blushed bright red again and a stupid smile spread across my face.
"I like you a lot Charlie..." I whispered.
"And you don't think i like you? i dont kiss, sing love songs with, and save the asses of girls who are just my friends." he said and grinned.
"True..." i trailed off and opened my mouth to speak again then shut it when i heard a door slam.
"Thats probably my friends. want to go see them? Catherine's probably going to make dinner." i said and stood up.
"Okay." Charlie followed me.
"What'll we tell old Bill?" i whispered.
"What he wants to hear." Charlie replied and kissed my cheek quickly before we walked into the dining area.

"Ah there you two are! are you hungry?" Catherine called as she hung up her coat.
"Starving! what are you making tonight?" i replied.
"Chicken soup." she called back and tied an apron on before going to the kitchen.
"Is there anything i can help you guys with?" Charlie asked.
"Hmm now let me think..." Maurice said after putting their instruments in a storage closet.
"There's nothing really. but thanks." Peter but in.
"He's lying! i've got something." Bill shouted.
"And what is that?"Charlie asked the old man.
"Come here boy." He motioned for Charlie but told me to stay where i stood.
I saw him pull Charlie down to his level and whisper something in his ear.
"Care to share you're juicy gossip!?" i laughed and sat down at one of the tables.
"Not yet." Charlie smiled and sat with me.

After dinner the only ones left were Catherine, Charlie and me.
"I think i'mm going to head off to sleep." i said and got up quietly from our table.
As i walked back i could feel myself start to shake a little.
I felt so awful for letting Charlie know i like him.
How did i think i could possibly have a chance? i was homeless for fucks sake!
And now that i thought about it Charlie couldn't exactly go back to Tom so, he was homeless too. for now.
There were more important things to think about than me feeling like a silly schoolgirl.
I shuffled through the bottom of my cart and grabbed one of my blades then ran to the bathrooms and hid in a shower.
I rolled my hoodie sleeve up and cut a few stinging slashes into my wrist.
Then i rolled that sleeve down and did the same on the other.
It helped.
It gave me something else to feel than the sinking feeling of worthlessness.
I ran back and tucked the blade away then lay down on the bottom bunk.
It was dark so i didn't realize Charlie had come back and was on the top bunk.
So i didn't think anyone saw me put my blade away.
And i didn't think anybody heard me crying myself softly to sleep.