this is not a diary

My happy place

Same day, but I'm less freaked out now.

The last chapter thingy kinda needs explanation and stuff.

I owned a few binders at first but they all either broke or someone broke them.
I had one left until now. I'm kinda desperately holding it together with safety pins but it's not working and I'm kinda freaking out.
Not as bad as I did when one broke in public but still.

The parents signed me up for karate. I like it, of course, but they put the brother in too.

They said they wanted him to make friends. He has friends. He has online friends and school friends and friends from where we used to live.

He also used to do boxing.
They stopped him because he attacked the instructor.

I wanted to make friends, too. But I can't do that if he is there. He's the Prince for a reason. He's just a horribly shitty and smaller version of the father.

I really don't want to go without my binder. I won't. I can't. I need my binder.
It's like a security blanket, suffocating my ribs and hiding the two things I hate the most (apart from TOM).
Without it I freak out. I'm insecure and depressed and I just stay in my room all the time, ignoring the Dying Unicorns and trying not to go into Code Red or Break.

The first time I ever bound I felt better.
I'd been doing it in my room for a while, using anything and everything to wrap around my chest. Scarves, bandages (they weren't ACE and could stretch), tights- anything.
If course the parents threw lie after lie at me when they found out.

They can't refuse to buy me more. They can't.

Back when I was going to school I had freedom. I could go places and be half an hour late home and blame it on traffic.
I used walk from school with Alfie and Nattie until they reached their homes and then I'd go to the bus stop.

My happy place is actually happy places. One them being the woods. I used to wander around the paths and fields it led to it and climb trees and pick blackberries and whittle sticks and everything.
I just liked ignoring the fact that I had to go home and back to them.
The other was a bridge that went over a river. It had boats in it and was a nice place to just sit and look at.
I'd sit on the wall with my legs dangling over the edge and just stare at everything and nothing.

I liked it for a reason. I could jump if I wanted to. If I really wanted to I could jump and die but I never do.
It just shows that I have a choice when it feels like I don't.