this is not a diary

Please get me the fuck out of here.

24/9/15
(I swear a lot in here bc fucking parents)

I ask the Mother a fucking question about our GP and then it's all "ohh you ask for too much why must i have such stupid children you are not normal blah blah blah"
After the Lupron shit and them basically proving they're liars, the Father has just fucking been saying that I wanna go into prostitution.

It's Lupron.

Fucking Lupron.

What kind of fucking nurse are you if you don't know what a fucking estrogen blocker is? I don't know who the fuck taught him about the shit he knows but whoever the fuck did forgot to fucking remind him what the difference between contraception and estrogen is.
All he fucking did was hide upstairs during the argument (me calmly explaining while the Mother yells about me being too difficult) and apparently all he heard was "periods", "gynecologist" and "thyroids" and fucking decided we were talking about sex.

What a fucking dumb fuck.

The Mother is gonna try to force me to go to school "as a girl" tomorrow and I swear I will kick her in the face if she even mentions it again. I really don't care how fucking much I'll get beat after that, I just wanna show her how fucking stupid that idea is.
I was asking for fucking Lupron, not a fucking box of condoms.
All the Mother fucking did was go on fucking internet explorer, search up "estrogen blocker", click on the NHS site, read it for like five fucking seconds (without her fucking £ shop glasses so I don't even think she fucking read anything) and then claim to be a fucking expert and side with the dipshit Father.

And they of course automatically assume I've been banging Alfie and Nattie and that i've already had 20 billion abortions because that's what their fucked up minds could come up with and me denying it just makes it more fucking true.
Then, I told them that I wanted Lupron to be happier.

"You can't be happy if you damage your womb"

You can, Mother, and it doesn't even do any damage and even if it did- no problem, I don't want kids anyway.

"YOU ARE A DUMB SHIT *slaps*"

I don't want fucking kids and I've been saying this since I was five. They know this and even fucking the Brother knows this yet they're still fucking stupid.

I got slapped for fucking not wanting to do what they specifically told me not do do. Who the fuck let them pass those fucking parenting courses? Send them right fucking back there right fucking now because they are fucking stupid.
I get yelled at for thinking about myself and my wellbeing but when I think about others I get yelled at too.

Yesterday Big Bro called in and obviously I was wrong about him being accepting and I knew this once I listened in on his and the Mother's phone convo:

Mother: You know your sister A, right?
Big Bro: Yeah
Mother: And you know those... those.... ugh I cant even say it.
Big Bro: What? Gay people? Is she gay?
Mother: I don't know, but I mean those "transgenders" or whatever.
Big Bro: ...yeah?
Mother: Well she thinks she's one of them. She dresses like a boy or a dyke or whatever and cut all her hair off and bandages her chest.
Big Bro: *inaudible*
Mother: Don't worry, *inaudible*
Big Bro: Okay
Mother: We're gonna visit you, I'll make sure she dresses like a normal girl
Big Bro: Okay

So yeah, the Mother says I can't bind because they'll think I'm hiding something when they pat me down so I told her that a note from a Gender Therapist or anyone similar would help and then they would probably search me another way or have a lady search person pat me down in private (it'd be awkward with a guy) and asked if we could get an appointment in time.

That's what started the yelling.

I tried my best, I swear.
I tried so hard to negotiate with her- even offering to wear a tight sports bra and a pull on hoodie- but she felt as if I was being selfish. I just fucking wanna know what I am and I know that Tav and Port can do that for me but apparently she fucking doesn't agree.

I told Alfie everything that HAPPENED (well, I ranted on an insta DM and now I'm hoping he answers).

I don't fucking think I can live past 16 (or 18, at the most). The Mother wont let me go on blockers and that was the last chance I'd get of being happy.
She doesn't know anything about them. If I wanna do anything, I'll have to do 'em myself.

I guess I'm meeting up with the schools pastoral worker and my GP tomorrow then.

But seriously,
Please fucking get me out of here.