TW: mentions of rape.
The water is warm, a little too warm, actually. But it's good, it will help me to wash away the invisible dirt which I'm feeling all over my body. I take a sponge and start to wash my neck because there are most of the dirt, there are most of the hickeys.
This morning I woke up in an unknown bed, with an unknown person, naked. I was shocked, I was scared, I don't even know if I undressed willingly and then I don't even remember how I got there. And then everything is hazy. The last thing I remember is running into the bathroom, my bathroom, shutting the door behind myself and then I stood in front of my mirror, and saw it: my whole neck was covered in purple marks but I don't think I was choked, no, I think it's hickeys.
I feel disgusted, I feel violated because I don't remember a single thing of what's happened. I don't know how I met this stranger, I don't know his name, I don't know if I liked it or not, if I wanted it or not, all I know is that my neck and breast are covered in purple marks and I feel dirty.
I close my eyes and rub my skin harder, I may leave my own marks but I need to get rid of this dirt, I have to. I rub and rub and rub until my skin is burning, but even then I don't stop because I still feel it there, his lips, I feel it on my body even though I don't remember a thing.
But suddenly my movements stop as I hear the bathroom door being opened and then there are steps. My eyes are still closed but I know who it is. It's Wilmer, my dear Wilmer. And if he sees marks on my neck, I'm going to be in a huge trouble.
He knows that I'm cheating on him but it's completely different thing to know the fact and see its proof on your wife's body.
I quickly move more foam to my neck, hoping that all my hickeys are covered, and then finally I open my eyes and find Wilmer standing right beside the bath. He's looking down at me, and he looks sad or confused, I don't know but from his face I can tell that he's not drunk.
That's something new.
"You have no idea where I woke up this morning," He says suddenly and sits down on the floor beside the bath. His back is rested against the tub, head reclined back, so I move my wet hand to his hair and stroke it.
Oh, baby, you have no idea where I woke up today.
"Where?"
"In cemetery, with an empty bottle of vodka by my side, two actually," He replies.
For a moment I'm confused: doesn't he remember that we were there together? Doesn't he remember what he told me? But then I realize that yes, he doesn't remember a single thing, he doesn't remember how we got drunk and went to cemetery, how he told me that he wants another child... And it's a good thing, it's a really good thing, actually.
"And where have you been?" He asks then.
"I don't remember," I shrug and close my eyes tightly because it's true. It's so damn true, I want to cry. But I take a deep breath in, count to then and exhale, then inhale again and slowly, breath after breath a knot of tears disappears from my throat and I can finally open my eyes.
"We need to stop drinking, you know," Wilmer says and I laugh, I actually laugh, despite the mess I'm in, I laugh because it's stupid and crazy. "What's so funny?" He asks, turning around to face me and I can't help but shake my head at him.
"I can't imagine my life sober now," I shrug, still chuckling and Wilmer nods his head, this time he laughs too.
"Well, we should face a lot of angry people, we should pay a lot of debt and we would probably have a huge hangover," He thinks out loud making me nod my head. Yes, we would really face a lot of angry people, my family for example. Also debts... Yes, we haven't paid for anything for months, I still wonder why we have electricity in our house, perhaps we're just lucky.
