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Chapter 22: Speak Out

I don't understand why the teacher had to match Kennedy and I up for the project.  I was perfectly happy to complete the project with Jeff and Nolan, but no, groups of three are forbidden.  I don't know why he immediately decided that I would be the unlucky soul that had to be her partner, but I suppose he had our best interest at heart, no one told him Kennedy and I weren't friends anymore.  He's not the enemy here, she is.

If only he had given us this project a month ago, when things were decent.  She may have always been pretending to be my friend, but at least she used her brain and showed up for school sober.  Then, at least, we'd have gotten a decent grade.  Now, however, I wasn't sure.

For now though, I have other things to worry about.  I need to figure out a plan- a way to pay bills, or if anything, another place to stay.  This house needs to stay ours though, or I'd never forgive myself.  I need to find a way to live, and I can't let on to social services or they'll force me to live with my father, even though I have no idea who he is or what he does- he could be in prison for all I know... or care, for that matter.  No, living with my father is out of the question.

I have to tell someone about what happened.  It constantly eats away at me, and no matter how much I try to distract myself and ignore how I feel, the pain keeps coming back in waves, each bigger and heavier on my spirit than the last.

In the end I decide to call J.  He seems to be the only person who's stuck with me recently.  Kennedy wouldn't understand, nor would she care.  And if my mom were here, well, if my mom were here I wouldn't need to talk to anyone.

"Can I come over?  You can tell me what you need to in person that way."  He says after picking up the phone.

"Sure, if you want to."

"Cool, I'll be over in 20 minutes with pizza.  See you soon."

"See you."

True to his word, exactly 20 minutes later I hear a knock at the door.  I pull it open and come face to face with a couple of boxes of pizza.  I take them from him and set them on the table to avoid having him drop them.

He trails along behind me while I get dishes, eagerly grabbing one and piling several slices of pizza onto it. 

"Sorry, I haven't eaten much today." He says when he notices me watching him.

"I don't mind." I say before taking two slices for myself that I know I'm not going to touch.

I join him on the couch and set the pizza on the coffee table.  His attention immediately turns to me.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I look away from him.  I need to figure out a way to tell him.  Oh god, I didn't think this through enough.  I should never have called him.

"Ivory, you put your food on the table, untouched.  You haven't done that a single time since I met you.  Obviously you aren't fine.  What's going on?"

Suddenly the door gets pushed open.

"Hey Ivory, I just wanted to stop by quickly to give you all the information about the funeral." Helen's words slow as she realizes that there's someone sitting beside me.

"Ivory?  What funeral?"

"I'll just put all the info in the kitchen and be on my way." She says shyly before vanishing behind a door.

"Ivory?" He repeats.

"My mom." I whisper.  I hear him inhale sharply.  I stand up in search of Helen, but only find a note sitting on the table.  She must have gone out the back to avoid us.

"What happened?" He's behind me, he's curious.  I didn't prepare myself enough for this.  Although I suppose nothing can prepare someone for this.

"She... my mom was really sick for a long time.  It got to the point where it was extremely difficult for her to do the most basic tasks before she let me take her to the doctor, and after running a bunch of tests they found out that by that point it had spread to the extent where it was too late to try to cure it.  They told us the best thing to do would be to make sure she was comfortable at home, so they assigned someone to come and make sure she had everything she needed, seeing as I'm at school the majority of the time.  That's who Helen- the lady who was just here- is."

My eyes close and I feel his arms wrap around me.  I let him hold me.  He's trying to comfort me, but he doesn't know that I can't feel anything.  There's nothing to comfort, nothing he can do to make me happy again.

"How long ago did she..."

"Not long.  Around the time that Kennedy left."

He pauses for a minute.  "What was she like?"

"She was the nicest and most amazing person I've ever known," I start. "She would never to anything to upset anyone or make anything difficult for anyone else.  She did everything in her power to make sure that everyone was as happy as they could be."

"She sounds amazing."

"She didn't deserve this so early.  She had so much she wanted to do."

Suddenly I'm filled with rage.  She didn't deserve to die.  The plans she had, the things she wanted to do to help people who didn't have the same opportunities as us and our neighbors. 

I pull myself away from J and saunter towards the kitchen, where I take a plate out of the cabinet.  I pass it between my hands for a second before sending it hurtling towards a wall, where it shatters into a hundred sparkling shards.

I consider grabbing another dish for a second, before my hand wraps around a glass- very basic, yet important nonetheless.  Mom made it at a camp, something her friend had organized and needed help running, so she enlisted the creative services of none other than my mom.

The glass brings me back to my senses.  Smashing things won't help me, it'll just make a mess that'll piss me off to clean up later.

So I put down the glass, walk back to the note Helen left, then wander up to my room, leaving J downstairs.

I close the door softly behind me before sitting on the ground and bury my head in my hands.  Sobs rack through my body and I try to block the sound with a pillow to prevent anyone else from hearing.

Mama, I know you can't hear what I want to tell you.  You can't hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay, that you know I'll get through it because that's what I always do.  I'm on my own.  And mama, if I'm being perfectly honest, I'm terrified.  Everything I've ever had to do, I've done with your guidance.  You were and always will be my biggest role model.

I feel arms around me again and snuggle into the warm embrace.

Life is going to be extremely difficult for me from now on. and it always will be.  The best thing I can hope and live for is the constant effort to make you proud, wherever you are.  I love you mama, and I always will.