Thirteen

Thirteen Part 5

I was dumb enough to believe not sleeping would help my situation, but it didn't, in any way, shape, or form. I forgot that lack of sleep caused hallucinations as well, and the only good that came of it was my notes on the differentiation of Thirteen and these hallucinations.

Thirteen was very much active, and had emotions. These hallucinations were just static objects, occasionally shifting form. They did not speak, or move, or think. As well as the fact that Thirteen didn't seem capable of seeing them, I watched multiple times as he passed through them whilst walking across the room.

It was amusing, really, that Thirteen was oblivious to these odd shapes. He was getting rather impatient with me, throwing fits when I would stay up night after night. When I did crash and fall asleep, he would drag me through a nightmarish land, which he called 'Abyss'. I didn't know what to make of that, was this where he came from?

So I asked.

Thirteen paused in his tracks, not bothering to face me. He was deciding whether or not to tell me anything. Finally, he nodded. So this was where they came from? Abyss. As far as I could tell, the place was just a multitude of dark, winding tunnels. Yet, there was foliage and a sky.

It really didn't make any sense, especially when the walls started closing in, and things got darker. We were in some sort of dark maze, the walls covered in words of nonsensical nature. I was fine with this, until the words started making sense to me, and I realized that I had written them.

They were my thoughts! Scrawled all over the walls in pen, trailing on for miles down the maze. Papers filled with my drawings lay on the ground, and creatures peeked out at me from behind corners.

I almost laughed. I was in my own head, I had created a fucking universe in here. Inhabitants, wandering the maze, representing my many illnesses. Anxiety was tall and thin like Thirteen, but it was terrified, shaking constantly, whimpering.

Depression was a fat, ugly thing, shorter than me, slumped in one of the corners. Mania was a hyper little bugger, running along the maze in false elation. And then came Schizophrenia.

Schizophrenia was a huge beast, tentacles, eyes, mouths. It's tendrils twisted and grabbed at anything nearby, and a crescendo of screams, laughs, sobbing and talking erupted from it. I was so afraid, I clung to Thirteen, who seemed unphased.

"What is this?" I managed to croak, watching helplessly as the creatures all peered at me. Thirteen grinned, patting me on the head.

"This is Abyss."

I was taken aback by it. Was this some odd vivid dream because of my lack of sleep, or was this truly a realm I had created unknowingly? My legs went weak, and I nearly collapsed. What the hell was this? It made no sense, the whole damn place was one big contradiction, and then it wasn't.

I had no control over the creatures, nor did they really bother to pay attention to me. I wanted to go home, and I think this was the first time I actually got angry at Thirteen. Without thinking, I started hitting him, screaming, I remember he just watched me.

And then I remember waking up from a twelve hour sleep, near tears. It's incomprehensible, your mind is. If you try hard enough, you can find your own Abyss, you can tap into the things you have created. Or can you? I would advise against it.

It does not make you a God. It does not make you powerful. Because when you go, everything crashes down on you at once. Everything rushes at you, insanity at its finest. I spent hours after that writing down nonsense notes and words in a notepad, shaken. Thirteen seemed unsure now, about my behaviour. It made him nervous. Hell, it made me nervous, I felt insane.

Perhaps I am insane?

After the shock of "Abyss" passed, I started researching more paranormal subjects. I was lost, because I had thought that I was just dealing with my own mind, was I? Was I dealing with the tricks of some creature? Was this all in my head?

Thirteen refused to offer solace, just standing idly by as I dove deeper into my psychosis. I can't recall much from April through June, because I was so lost, a walking husk. As if I were in and out of Abyss at the same time. My friends all left me for this period of time, which drove me deeper into my isolation.

I would sit up late at night, contemplating killing my family, or myself, or someone else. And then I burst out laughing, why? Because Thirteen had done it. He had won, bringing me into isolation and destruction.

Trust me, nothing is more frightening than being stuck in your own goddamn head. Nothing is more terrifying than facing these things alone. I had no choice, I was going to have to come clean and seek help.

I was going to have to fight back. To be continued.