The Vens

Smasher

October 17, 2008
West Rainbow

Four months ago, I knew I was 110% gay. I was madly in love with Isabella. My face and height did not bother me before but now they are my biggest frustrations. Hansel has jeopardized my sexuality. I used to be most frustrated about my stupid mother and her womanizing husband. Thinking about my appearance has been preoccupying my head for months now. I didn't use to care about my looks. My daily goal before was how to convince my mother to leave her husband. I didn't use to think about Hansel. I didn't use to think about my pores. I used to fear plastic surgery but now I am even considering it if I had the money.

I wish I was as gorgeous and statuesque as Avery. Aside from being so lucky to have rich parents, she is also lucky to have good genes. So unfair. I could have been whole still if Hansel hadn't smashed my heart and broken it in shards of desperation coated with frustration. I can't patch my heart the way it was before because some parts of it got taken away for good.

"Betinna! Betinna!"

His voice immediately eases the burning sensation in my heart. My medicine has arrived. Yes, the heart-smasher is also my pain-reliever.

I run quickly to the bathroom and check my reflection on the mirror. The baby hair around my sweaty forehead is divided in five different places. I pull my tinted lip balm from my jean pocket and smear some on my pale lips. I pull a red wristband from my other pocket and insert my left hand in it. I position the shells on my bracelet to be sandwiched between the two layers of wristbands. Safety is survival.

I hear the stomps of heavy feet on the wooden stairs. My bedroom door swings inward. The bang against the wall isn't that loud but it still startles me. It also startles Solar Bear who is sunbathing on the floor. My white Shih Tzu, who looks like a polar bear cub, loves the sun. She lies on the floor directly on the spot where the morning sun shines from my window.

"Where's your phone?" Hansel asks with all hints of annoyance. He looks so cute when he is pissed.

I feel my jean pockets and shrug.

"I don't know. I haven't heard it ring. I must have left it in the kitchen."

"I sent you a million texts and I called you a billion times."

"A million? Really?"

Exaggeration. His expertise.

Solar Bear stands on her hind legs begging for Hansel to carry her. He bends down to pick her. The peep view of his checkered boxers gives me a slight headache. His black skinny jeans are almost falling off his big butt. What a nice-looking butt. Why am I staring at his glorious buttocks?

"Guess who is coming to the Musikat next week?" Hansel asks.

"Me? You? George?"

"Guess again," Hansel demands.

I don't care about Musikat. I told Hansel months ago that I am no longer interested to submit our song to the Musikat competition. I lost all desire for music. I no longer have the passion to compose songs. He should know why. Our song sucks. The lyrics suck. The melody sucks.

"Guess again, Betinna!"

I wish I can be as enthusiastic as he is now. It's been a while since I have seen him this excited.

"Destiny's Child?"

"Acacia will be one of the judges. Acacia will be there!"

"Acacia. Acacia?" I pretend to be cheerful.

"Yes Acacia!" He says jumping.

Solar Bear leaps out of Hansel's arms and runs downstairs.

Hansel grabs my upper arms and squeezes them. His long arms grip like octopus tentacles and I like them squeezing my skin.