The Vens

Jacket

December 20, 2008
New York City

I wish the snowstorm lasted longer so Hansel's flight would be cancelled but the snow stopped yesterday and the sun was determined to melt all traces of ice in New York City.

As abruptly as I have fallen in love with Hansel when we first kissed six months ago, I have also fallen out of love instantly when I realized who Zainn was in my past life. I am bursting with love for Zainn. I know it was too soon to call it love in this lifetime but that was what I felt for him centuries ago and it has not changed one bit.

I have fallen in love with Zainn not only because he is beautiful. He is skilled in making me happy. I am in love with him because being with him is so familiar. Our bond is ancient but still burning with passion. Every thing we do together feels like a habit I have always enjoyed doing.

I am now fidgeting at how fast Jennafer is driving to JFK Airport. My right knee has been shaking involuntarily because I am nervously waiting for Jennafer to confront me about what is going on with me and Zainn. She has been driving for more than half an hour and she hasn't said a thing. I am aware that Jennafer and Danniel know what is going on. Of course they know.

I have stayed indoors for three consecutive days since Mama Helenna appointed Zainn as my bodyguard. I should be resting to recover from the unintentional sabotage Mama has caused but how can I rest when I am in so much pain again? Zainn has been helping me manage the pain. He has also kept me entertained. I mean truly entertained. Being with him rejuvenates every fiber of my being.

The memories that returned to me when I was Mahalla have helped me heal faster. The intimacy and ease I feel with Zainn come naturally because he was Mahalla's first love. He was my past love.

I have prepared my speech over and over again in my head. The right thing to do is to confess the truth. I want to tell Hansel face to face.

Of course it is unfair. Hansel has been looking forward to coming to New York for the first time. Since I left Manila last October, we have been planning our itinerary in New York. Hansel is super excited to experience snow for the first time.

I plan to stick to our itinerary wherein I will tour Hansel around New York for a week. And then I will confess. I can't confess today. Hansel will surely fly back to Manila if I tell him today.

I have fallen out of love with Hansel but I still love him as a friend. I still respect him. No. I failed to respect him. I failed to respect him from the moment I kissed Zainn. I betrayed Hansel. Guilt and remorse are now pulsing in my veins. Why now? Maybe the closer we get to the airport, the closer I get to the reality of hurting Hansel. But then he hurt me too. He gave me my first broken heart. Can I justify my sins with the sins he commited last July?

Jennafer parks the Escalade and looks at me.

"How are you feeling right now?"

"I feel powerless. I have no energy to get off this car."

"Do you want to stay here?" Jennafer asks.

"No. No. I'm coming with you."

I hop off the Escalade. I put on my coat. I pull the tinted lip balm from my jacket pocket and quickly apply a bit to make me less pale.

My phone vibrates in my jean pocket. It's Hansel.

"I just got put of the plane. I can't wait to see you, Betinna," Hansel says.

"Me too. See you in a few," I say with forced cheerfulness.

I thought I was not excited to see Hansel but knowing he is now in New York makes my heart beat faster. He is here to see me. He came here to be with me.