just friends

My emotions

Hey guys sorry i havnt written in so long, it's been tough for a while, but I'm back.

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER DEALS WITH DEPRESSION AND BEING SUICIDAL! IF THIS IS A SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR YOU I SUGGEST MOVING ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

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I hear daniel yell out the word boyfriend kinda confused but brush it off as him not hearing it as well as the others.

Still holding on to jax and feeling brandons arm around my shoulder i look over to him and ask.

"Boyfriend?" I ask irritated.

"Ya. We're boyfriends." He said.

"No-" I continued "we aren't boyfriends. And I don't know what made you think that because I'm still pretty pissed at you." I said while walking across the street making sure there were no cars.

Brandon follows and says "look I'm sorry jordan I shouldn't have said all that stuff-" we continue walking until we both arrive on the sidewalk of my street. Me a few steps ahead of brandon, not willing to slow down to let him speak right next to me.

" but look I lied. I don't think that I'm bi. Because I don't think about other guys-" I cut him off while still walking.

"Wow so not only were you "lying" about calling me annoying but you were also lying when you told me you liked me?" I stop and face him. "So which is it? And if you are lying then what was all of this? Last night and today? Was that all some sick prank or something. You kissed me brandon! You held me and made me feel things that I was not and am still not trying to feel about you given what happened today." I speak with agitation echoing around my words.

"No jordan that's not what I'm trying to tell you. I've had a crush on you for a while!" He says but I'm not trying to listen.

"Oh bullshit!-" I say. " the only reason you're doing this is probably to get revenge on me for that stupid fucking story I posted. So go ahead brandon, tell me off, get mad, get angry at me for embarrassing you!" I start to walk towards him slowly while talking. "Tell me how much you fucking hate me!! Tell me how I'm just some stupid little fat fag who would be better off not exi-" I'm cut off by Brandon gripping my shoulders

"Stop it Jordan!!!" He yells. "Stop putting yourself down like that, like you're some worthless scumbag who doesn't need to be alive! I am sick! And tired! Of you being the only person who can't see how fucking amazing you are!!!" I just look at him. Not confused, angry, sad or happy. My face is completely emotionless. "Why can't you see that Jordan? All you do is give, give, give and nobody ever gives you shit back. You are so...kind. You smile even when you're not happy. Your laugh defines the emotion of happiness. You cry at the smallest thing because you can be so sensitive and empathetic that it pains you." I listen to his words and look down.

How can I be such an amazing person. I don't feel amazing. I'm not treated like I'm amazing.

"You're the only guy." I look up at him as he continues to speak."You're the only guy that I think about...like that. You're the only guy I dream about like that. And just because I like girls doesn't mean I'm gonna leave you. Remember all those girlfriends I had back in 6th and 7th?" He asks.

"Ya" I respond.

"Anytime you asked to hang out I would tell them that I couldn't pick them up that weekend or I couldn't talk for a while because I was.. grounded or something. But I always chose you. And at first I just thought it was because I was just a really loyal friend, I liked hanging out with you jordan. But when we met back up freshman year... well you were all I thought about. I knew it wasn't normal at all. And then the sex dreams came and sure enough there you were-" I look away with a straight face.