The self, a Journey

Shift to Neutral

In middle school, I learned what it meant to not only be ugly, but what society deems as not. Around that age a variety of different external factors caused me to be more conscious of how others perceive me; I looked into the mirror, scanning and listing every conceived negative quirk about my appearance. The mirror doesn't tell lies, the fat, ugly glasses, acne, and horrible, unkept short hair were all there. At the time, I didn't really immediately react, it was a very slow process.

It started with the oversized clothes, being more conscious about what I eat, not drawing as much attention to myself. Social media was a true game changer, a monster in disguise. My first Instagram account gave me access to people around the world, it opened my eyes to just how beautiful people can be. After the first drop, a downpour ensued.

So this is what beautiful is, skinny models with unbeatable genetics.

I spend a lot of years trying to ignore it, trying to see myself in the same light as them. The daunting reality kept catching up to me, trailing on my heels. People won't think I'm that beautiful, they probably don't view me as beautiful at all. I don't have a perfect body and a pearly white smile that people get hypnotized by. I can't afford to spend thousands of dollars on clothes and products to help modify my appearance. This dangerous psychological cycle had to stop, so I countered these thoughts with the idea that these standards are just unattainable and unfair.

Pictures can tell a thousand words, but these words can be misleading. I tried telling myself, these models photoshop themselves into completely different people. This was an inaccurate over generalization, but it helped me cope for a bit. But then you find people like Madison Beer on social media, no photoshop, no drastic plastic surgery, just beauty.

It was then I started to wonder if these standards were really that unattainable, maybe, just maybe, I didn't win the genetic lottery and don't have enough money to make up for it. Months of mental debates also concluded with another realization.

So what? Why am I sitting here arguing about what is and isn't unattainable?

The mirror doesn't tell lies, but our thoughts do. No one is saying all of these bad things about me but myself. And so fucking what if people DO think you are.

THEIR PERCEPTION OF YOU ISN'T YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

instead of worrying about not being able to look like Madison Beer and afford Gucci and high-end skin care, look in the mirror.

Sit down, take a good fucking look at yourself.
Observe.

If any negative thoughts about your appearance pop into your head, counter it with a neutral thought.

Example: "Oh man my nose is big as fuck-"

Higher-self: "it is a nose, it helps the body receive oxygen, it is a useful part of the body."

Another example: "my lips are paper thin-"

Higher self: "they are merely lips, a necessary body part."

Just sit with yourself. Get the fuck off social media, stop worrying about other's opinions and start listening to your own.

So you've been staring at yourself for a bit, just pay attention to your breathing, your chest subtly moving as you take in air and release.

Your eyes, staring, observing, recording, and sending information to the brain to form the reality around you.

Your legs, taking you from point A to point B, enabling you to explore more of the world a lot easier.

Your ears, tuning into the silence or maybe the loud TV in the other room, the same ears that enable you to enjoy music and the person you love's laugh.

Be humble and thankful. I think a lot of learning how to love yourself is first accepting the reality of things. Do you look like Madison beer? No. Do you need to reach the modern beauty standard to be happy? No.

That person in the mirror, she's just fine. She's figuring things out, she's caring and kind, empathetic and compassionate to other's struggles. That, is indeed a very beautiful thing to offer the world.

Love is, personally, a very difficult thing for me to come by. Unfortunately, I am at a point in my journey to where I don't like some parts of myself, but I've gained a lot more awareness and have spent more time psycho-analyzing my habits and behaviors. The most helpful thing by far has been to just view not just myself, but life, in a more neutral light.

This is just what has helped me, I can't guarantee this will help you as well. If none of what I've spoken of has been relatable, then I hope you can at least take this away: life is too short to immerse ourselves in the murky waters of society's expectations and standards. Set your own, learn more about yourself. Look in the mirror, that person isn't as horrible as you think.