The self, a Journey

A single, lonely virgin

Recently, I find myself looking at the past with rose-colored lenses. So much reminiscing, looking back and thinking, what happened? Where is that girl that went to school with boyish-short hair and a big tub of spaghetti everyday, wearing whatever was clean? I miss her. She didn't give a fuck about what she looked like, or how many calories and carbs were in the spaghetti she consumed daily. She went away around sophomore year, as my hair grew out and I learned more of what it meant to be beautiful. Though my confidence, or maybe obliviousness, faded away, I met someone spectacular.

Ladies and gentlemen.... forgive me for flexing, but... there is someone in the world that actually liked me... romantically! She actually liked my awkward Lord Farquaad hair and tacky clothing. I would get into all of the juicy details of our beautiful relationship, but unfortunately I do need to get to the main point of this chapter eventually.

All of this reminiscing has made me really question why I'm so scared of love, of being in a relationship. At 16, I was ready to risk it all for her, I was an attention leech, never wanting to leave her side. Now, the thought of being remotely close to somebody on a romantic level is... horrifying. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it isn't necessarily love I'm scared of, it's the vulnerability aspect that really bothers me. Opening up to someone, letting them see the not-so-pretty parts... sounds like a road I never want to drive on. I think a lot of this also stems from my low confidence and self esteem. I just feel that by being in a relationship I would be letting them settle for less. There are always better people in the world. More successful, more attractive, more rich, and so on. I just don't feel I deserve to be with someone either.

Now, I know not to compare myself. I understand that my thinking is not only harmful but unfair; I could also say the same about my future hypothetical partner. I think most of what I listed are very superficial, surface level things, so take heed: if anyone judges you on the basis on any of those examples above, it's not worth it, they're missing the point.

What I fail to not only accept and understand is that, yes, I'm not perfect. It all kind of goes back on the previous chapter. How much money you have, how attractive people perceive you to be, how successful people think you are.... doesn't determine your worth. Only you do.

Read that again. And again. And again.

Personally, I've decided to go about things in a different way. Maybe by accepting the fact that I'm not super attractive, I can find peace. Instead of analyzing every book and cranny of my body and seeing if it checks out to what society deems as beautiful, I should just take a step back and just look at it for what it is.

I have legs, arms, hands, a head. A mere vessel that has the potential to do good things for others, maybe for the world.

I should take care of this vessel, feed it properly and take care, so I can carry out the things I want to do.

Ladies, Men, people, the reality is, people are going to have their opinions, views, and will judge you based on their standards. They may think you're too this, or too that. There will be people in your life that won't think you're super attractive, and that's okay.

Why?

Because their perception of you doesn't determine your self worth.

Read that again. And again.

Again.

Once more for good luck.

I think before approaching loving yourself, you should have those hard conversations with yourself, really sit there with your feelings and thoughts. Look at your physical self, really accept what can't be changed. Your vessel is amazing because it carries such a wonderful personality.

That's where I'm at in this process, at least.

I am a single, lonely virgin, afraid of being in a relationship but mental conversations like this really help to kind of think through and really try to rationalize things. The inspiration behind this chapter stems from a new crush in my life.

Another subtle flex.... someone actually likes me... romantically... again!

I don't want to run away, I feel it's time to really face the music. I'm ready for a symphony, motherfucker.

I feel this is a big mess to read, but please do take this away: you are worth it. You are deserving of love, and maybe I am too. Face your fears, but at the same time don't rush into something you don't feel completely ready for.

My apologies for this mess.