The self, a Journey

Amor Fati

Remembering senior year feels as if I'm reminiscing of a foggy dream, scattered moments here and there, the rest too blurry to make out. The only thing that really stood out for me was this chronic state of uncertainty. It was college season, chatter was everywhere, the pressure was high. It seemed like every conversation I had with my senior pals always led in that direction, which made sense. I hated it.

I had no fucking clue what I wanted to do with my life. I had no grand picture of what I'd be doing in five years. I had no grand dream I wanted to pursue. I spent most of senior year in this fog. I graduated, wound up in college.

Here's the thing, I'm still in this fog. The pressure is even more intense, the whole "what are ya gonna do in the future" talks still pop up. I'm still in this state of confusion and uncertainty, maybe with a mix of fear.

It took a year in college to figure out something: it's okay to feel this way. It's okay to not know what the fuck is going on. It's okay if the people around me have their shit figured out (at least from my perspective), anyone's judgements about my current place in life don't fucking matter.

One thing I've learned is acceptance of fate. Love of fate. Amor fati.

Whatever happens, happens.

This doesn't mean to just say fuck it to everything and let the cards fall where they may. It means that even if you don't get accepted into your dream college, it's alright. Even if you don't get that promotion, it's okay. Even if you don't make a lot of money and aren't super successful, that's alright. Even if you don't know what your purpose in life is yet, it's okay.

You're still alive. You will persevere, that's all we can do. We do it almost subconsciously, our brains already thinking of plan B, plan C.  Not mine though, which is fine if you don't have backup plans.

Though we can influence the future, there are so many external factors that can throw us off our track. So many curveballs, it's impossible to plan so far out and expect things to work out perfectly.

So, for all of you worried out there, it's alright. No matter what happens, it's going to be alright, even if it isn't. That might not make sense, but it will soon.

So, live in the moment a little more. Don't sweat it too much, we're going to die relatively soon anyway.

That sounds kind of bad, but you get what I mean. In the grand scheme of things, that report you're worried about, the interview you're anxious for, will be nothing but a distant memory that will soon fade as you age and die.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is it'll be okay, whatever happens. So get out there and do shit.

I'm going to do a bit more exploring, and see where things take me.