When I was four years old my brother and I started going to my granny’s house every summer. My mom kept six of my cousins. Besides my half-sister that lived with her mother; I was the only girl in my family at that time. My oldest cousin was thirteen at the time, I don’t remember all that happened and I’m not going into detail of what did happen.
I blocked it out until later on in my life. What I do know is that it happened everyday of every summer until I was eight years old when my mom walked in on us. She grabbed him up off the bed and put him in the car telling me and my brother to get in the car at the same time. She took him back to his dad’s house and told him what happened, after that it didn’t happen anymore.
When I was in the 4th grade my mom, my brother, and I moved two hours away. That was when I started going downhill, I started stealing my mom’s cigarettes and smoking them. My dad was no longer in the picture really so my mom had to work at night as an RN because night shift paid better.
That left my brother and I at home alone at night.
We had parties at our house every night. I started drinking anything I could find and smoking more than just cigarettes. When I was eleven I lost what I call my v card to a guy I chose. Then I just started having sex with anyone that wanted it- which was a lot of guys by the way. I didn’t know why all I wanted to do was have sex like I said I blocked what had happened out.
All I knew was I wanted it and after I got it I didn’t want anything to do with the guys anymore. I kept up the drugs and drinking until I was fourteen. We were having a party and this time only to people showed up.
Two brothers.
They were my brother’s friends. I had a crush on the youngest one and I also went to school him. He was an ass at school, the most popular boy in our grade, but out of school he was really nice to me.
I had just come out of the bathroom and was going into the living room where they all were when the older of the two walked up to me and pulled off his belt. I laughed I thought he was just joking, my brother and his brother were laughing too.
Then he hit me.
He hit me with the buckle end of the belt. It looked like a rodeo belt buckle, it was really big and it hurt like hell. He hit me two more times with it before I fell to the ground. Then he grabbed my legs and pulled me to my bedroom while my brother and his brother just stood there.
Watch him drag me away kicking and screaming.
When he got me to the bed room he shut and locked the door then came over to me and told me that I can do this the easy way or the hard way and he would hurt me if I did not cooperate with him, so I picked doing it the easy way. I mean why I should fight when my brother was in the living room knowing what this guy was going to do to me?
He took his pants off and made me go down on him pulling my hair and pushing my head down deeper till it would not go anymore. Then he made me get on the bed while he got on top of me. After he was done he left and his brother came into the room and told me he was sorry for what his brother had just done.
Then he started kissing me so I did him too, hell he was his brother and I didn’t want to get hit anymore.
That same night I started having nightmares every night about me and my cousin. I would wake up screaming and crying, my brother would rush in to see if I was ok and I always told him it was just a dream. Finely two weeks of no sleep and I had to tell someone, I went to my brother and asked him if the dreams where true. He told me they were that he had seen it happen one time.
After that stuff happened to me I stopped just having sex with anyone and started looking for the right one and would only have sex with the ones that I thought I loved or that loved me. We moved back to my home town just before I turned 15 and mom got a job at a prison as an RN and, again on night shift.
One day when I was 16 she came home and told me that a guy we knew and lived down the road from us at our old house, was in prison for rape. When she told me his name I almost pissed myself from being so happy, not that he had rape someone else but that he was behind bars and it took someone stronger than me to put him there.
I was crying I was so happy, my mom got mad and said you shouldn’t be so mean and I said I’m not, I’m just glad that bastard is in jail. He deserves jail for what he did to me. I said it before I could stop myself so I had to tell her the whole story of him anyway. I had gone through so much because of what he did to me, him and my cousin.
I battled depression, I tried to kill myself more than once and each time it didn’t work. I talked to myself thinking that I was talking to people I saw but wasn’t really there. I gained so much weight just to lose it all by not eating.
I cried all the time. I felt so alone and I felt so nasty and gross.
I cut my self and burned myself (I still do, sometimes)
I met the guy who is my husband now when I was 16 we got married when I was 19 and I didn’t tell him about it for two years of us being married and I always felt like I was lying to him by not telling him. We have two beautiful kids now and have been married for 4 years. We lost two babies and I had to have c-sections with both of my boys.
I feel like it’s all my cousins’ fault for doing that to me so young, like maybe he messed something up inside of me.
I still battle depression till this day and sometimes I still have the nightmares.
It has been a long hard road but I have done the best I could.
