Last Tears

Chapter 5

 

Even when we think we have nothing; we have Allah. And Allah is everything -WAEL ABDELGAWAD

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Never in my 25 years on earth did I ever think I'd be in the same room as a corpse, to touch it was beyond my wildest imagination. As much as I loved my dad; when he had a heart attack and passed away in the hospital; I made no move to go see him. I understood it was over.

But somehow this moment i've lost the ability to understand or comprehend. And the fear has vanished.

I've been sitting on the floor of my living room hugging my lifeless son for hours, tears dripping down and staining his already stained uniform; not that it mattered anyway.

The minute the driver told me; I felt pain; indescribable pain. All I could think was I've lost everything. I have nothing left. He's gone. The only thing I had left.

And then a billion images formed in my head. The first time I held him. I never knew that moment would mean so much to me. I never knew he would mean so much to me. I remember how as a baby he was amazed by a ceiling fan. I would put it on just to see him watch it endlessly till he fell asleep. And then he began to crawl and I was always running about the house lifting things off the floor so he wouldn't get hurt. How he would blow the food in his mouth and it would be all over my face; then seeing the expression on my face he'd burst out laughing. When he learnt to walk; his laugh, his smile, his excitement, everything!

I could see him everything!

And then I remembered this morning. When he stained his shirt with cereal; how he licked my palm, how he ignored me and ran down the stairs; everything. And then I felt another stab to the chest when I remembered his voice. I would never hear it again.

I would never hear him call me Ma ever again. I looked at him. Every inch of his face; I knew Nasir and co would be coming to take him off of me soon, to bathe his body and bury him. So I held his face and inspected every single feature. These were my last moments with him. I traced his eyebrows, his eyes, the nose that he got from my father and his small lips. I memorized everything. I broke into a new cry knowing this was truly happening.

"Amir" I whispered into his ear and got no response

My baby was gone. He was truly gone

"Subhanallah!"

I looked up once I heard my mom's voice as she entered the room with my sister towing along. And just behind them my mother in law and father in law stepped into the house. "To God we belong and to him we shall return. What happened?!" she asked Nasir who was standing by the door.

"Nasir what happened?" his mother asked him, her voice coarse. Evidence she had been crying on the drive here

"Amir went on an excursion. The bus met with an accident when the driver skid off the road to avoid hitting a truck and they ended up hitting a streetlight. Amir was sitting in front. He's the only one gone" Nasir informed and I looked up in shock. I didn't even know about this.

"The driver is injured too and the rest of the kids suffered small injuries"

"Only my grandson is dead!" his mother burst into tears. The news evoked more tears in me and my cry suddenly made my presence known from where I was sitting on the floor in the corner of the room. My mother and mother in law walked towards me and as soon as they laid eyes on Amir; they stopped.

I got up and laid Amir gently on the throw pillows I had arranged on the floor and ran to my mother for a hug. "Amir" I said as I cried into her shoulder