Silence

Chapter 2 - Decision

Ryan P.O.V.

My skilled fingers were tucked pieces of my hair into one braid that tickles the middle of my spine.

I'm looking at my reflection in the mirror, trying to preserve that image in my mind. But I do not see myself in the reflection, I feel that this is not me, I am too determined to do something that might be called suicide according to some people, but I just want to change everything or try to change something at least. I see my mother's sewing box on the dresser, where are some lines, needles and a scissor.

I feel calm when I undo the braid again. I part my hair down the middle and i close the scissors over the hair by my chin.

How can I look the same, when everything is about to change?

I cut in as straight a line as I can, using my jaw as a guide. The tricky part is the back, which I can't see very well, so I do the best I can by touch instead of sight. Locks of brown hair surround me on the floor in a semicircle. I think I might cry when i see what I did to my beloved hair..

So I just decide leave the room without looking at my reflection again. I need to be strong...

I was lost in my own reality thinkabout what i did last night when I heard the sound of my mother calling me. Just now I realized that I'm going to cause her an heart attack when she see what I did to my hair. It's a great way to tell her that I intend to go to a Military Academy full of boys and that if they get attracted for me it's a bad sign because: 1) they are gay or 2) I'm fucked up because i'm gonna die.

I come down to the kitchen quietly. I have not hurry to see her reaction.

"Good morning" I say in a low tone waiting until feel the look of my mother in me.

"Good morning Darli ..." she says but when her gaze fixed on me she dropped the packet of butter in the floor "what the hell did you with your hair?"

"Relax mom.. I have an explanation ... "I say and explain very calmly the story of the letter" I wanna do it. I want to make a difference, prove that we can be like them or better."

"You are not going to do anything?"She says looking for my father.

" I will! Grab one toast that I take you there, beautiful cut darling" He says and before she could speak, he took on two toasts and grabbing my arm. We left home and he smiled looking at me "I am proud of you"

"Thanks ...But to be honest, I am terrified "

" Stay calm, you just have to be able to pretend during training and classes, then you will be given to you a house within the limits of the Academy. Many of the boys have to share the house with women that they were intended by so is probable that you are going to be alone in a House. " He explains while we got in the car.

"But ... They would not wonder why i do not have a woman?" I ask.Honestly I beginning to wonder if it is a good plan.

"No, just say ' Should not be this year'' and smile. I just marry your mom when the Military School ended, is no problem with that."

" Fortunately, I will not be the only woman..."

" Believe...You will be the only woman pretending to be a man"

" Thanks dad... This really help" I say sighing. Okay... Now I'm really fucking scared...

The trip seemed never coming to an end. I just wanted to enter in the base so I can't have chances to repent... The cityscape soon disappeared, the glass buildings and houses geometrically similar were disappearing gradually and all I can see is a long plain surrounded by wire. There are small houses scattered around the plain while in the Centre we could see a huge gray building, the military base. I swallowed and took a deep breath. Nothing can go wrong if I keep my plan... The problem is: i don't have one yet...

When my Dad stop the car, for a moment I think my heart will stop too. I check one last time the hat that I use and finally I get out of the car. I try riding a relaxed way, not opening too much the eyes to not draw unnecessary attention.

My dad is going to register me. I should be doing it alone but I think I must be in silence as much as possible, I don't have a deep voice, quite the opposite. Finally, I look to him when he returns with the keys from the house where I will live and the schedule of trainings and classes.

" So.... I think that this is a goodbye..." I say looking at his eyes.

"Is more like ' until next time' Darling " he says smiling. I can't help but smile and I just hugged him. I'm going miss him so much.. "okay darling, you have to go before they ask 'Why is there a boy hugging his father ?"

I didn't answer. I just smiled and walked away. One more time I breathe deeply and I going walking up to the house '73'. In the path I see he was right, most of the houses are occupied by couples. This is kind of cute.

I finally come home and I open the door. What the hell?