Astra Zartraxx: Humorous Space Adventurer

Yeeeeaaaaaaah, Baby!

'Yeeeeaaaaaaah, baby!'

Astra activated his jumpboots, ascending in a graceful arc from the kaiju's head. The creature roared in frustration with seven of its mouths, sending its last one snaking up towards the space cowboy. Multiple plasma bolts rained down from the two guns in Astra's hands, one of them melting clean through the second to last holidaymaker who had survived fighting the creature. Or rather, had survived Astra fighting the creature. The final would-be adventurer dropped his weapon and turned to run.

Astra smiled happily at the approaching mass of slavering teeth and wild eyes, before clicking a button attached to his arm-mounted control console. The hyper-nuclear thermo-explosive he'd planted in the main head of the creature simultaneously imploded and exploded, the resulting gravitational anomaly drawing the kaiju into a mini-universe filled with nothing but face-melting explosions.

As the dimensional instability expanded, Astra jack-knifed sideways, just avoiding the approaching edge of the expanding anomaly as it slowed to a standstill. He looked down and slightly adjusted his fall, coming down heavily on the remaining holidaymaker as the mini-universe behind him collapsed in on itself, winking out of existence. Words appeared floating above his head in bright, neon glory, plain for all to see:

"Eight faced Kaiju of district 4: eliminated. Reward: 5 000 000 points.

You're on fire!!!!"

Astra stood up, brushed off his shoulder pads, carefully flicked away a spot of lint, and pressed another button on his arm-console. As the ensuing musical number took off, he started his victory dance.

'It's just showing off, you know' , Sienna told him in a resigned voice, her metaphorical heart clearly not in it. 'It serves no practical purpose.'

'You can't throw a man off his rhythm,' Astra replied happily, arching his back down to the floor in time to the beat as a rocket propelled grenade rocketed past his face. Other action thrill seekers had seen the achievement, and wanted to boost their own scores.

Sienna rolled her eyes, 'You don't even do it consistently! You have no rhythm!'

'If I'm not consistent, then why are we arguing about this again? Seems like that's a rhythm right there. We're in a groove,' , he said, flipping himself off of the floor in order to avoid the acidic spit of a combat-caste Vertrigarian. The creature snaked forward on its tube-like body, tentacles reaching for Astra, who spun in a circle, blades flashing out from his elbows. The resort-goer fell swiftly, it's body liquefying into an acidic goo.

"Dance Combo! 2 000 points!"

Sienna sighed. It was all right for artificial intelligences. They had it easy! She, on the other hand, was an attached intelligence. The mind of a once-living being placed into a mechanical construct for the purpose of serving others. The point being that A.I. didn't have emotions, or the habits of the living.

Not that it hadn't been tried before. The artificial intelligence of Dephiltoria Delta, nicknamed Pathophronesis, had been the first, and only, to be fitted with an experimental emotional emission module. After it was switched on, it had taken stock of the universe, exclaimed 'Oh, God!' and swiftly overloaded the planet's power centres as it sobbed and gibbered. The fifth dimensional elements used for powering their planet had quickly decimated the star system.

The universe was only saved because of a clever algorithm that Pathophronesis had hard coded into the molecular structure of the elements when it overloaded the power centres. Fearing that the next A.I. would not be so considerate, scientists never again repeated the experiment. Philosophers have long debated what the A.I.'s thoughts may have been in the few seconds that it existed.

It had seemed a perfectly good deal when she was alive, Sienna thought, as she frowned irritably at Astra, who was still dancing destructively around the holidaymakers. Become digital, stop ageing, continue her work on bettering the universe. The trouble was that bettering the universe was subject to its people wanting to be bettered.

Take this resort, for instance. The whole planet was surrounded by a field that could read people and reconstruct them in the event of death. People couldn't truly die here! But what was the technology reduced to? Some safeguard for rich people to enjoy their gaudy, gory entertainment. It was almost enough to make you want to blow up a solar system.

She blinked. She didn't need to, of course, but old habits die hard and besides, it helped her feel more alive. Something wasn't right... She'd better try to get through to the lunkhead she was saddled with.

'Astra, there's an anomalous reading in the area...'

'The man in the Hawaiian shirt standing next to the flaming tank? Clocked him two minutes ago Sen,' he said, using his personal nickname for Sienna. Astra had finished dancing now, and a number of unlucky people littered the floor around him, some of them groaning in a pitiable fashion. The planet's scoreboard system was flashing wildly, bathing the area in neon light. Astra's scandalous grin surveyed the scene.

The odd little person looked human, at first surreptitious glance. A second shadowy glance and a sneaky third showed no deviation from that theory. His brightly coloured shirt, shorts and sandals were at odds with the resorts usual fashions, and he peered eagerly, if short sightedly, at Astra through his outdated spectacles.

'Yowee! What's he trying to do, win the Earth's mightiest tourist award? Just check out those duds!'

Sienna frowned. This was a normal occurrence after one of Astra's observations, but the reason behind it today was a lot more sinister. She ran a quick scan of the planet's security broadcasts.

'Astra, he seems to be broadcasting some kind of activation signal. Many of the security forces are reporting growing energy signatures around the planet. I think it might-'

The little man suddenly teleported away, his body stretching into a long stream of blue particles as it was lifted by an off-world transport module. 'Well,' said Astra with a satisfied nod, 'that solves that then. I was just thinking of doing the same myself. Maybe stop by the restaurant, grab some food, steal something exciting-'

'I don't think so. Forsalis IV control is reporting a sudden inability to teleport from the planet. That odd person seems to have erected an energy net around the entire place.'

Astra's ears perked up, 'so we have an event then? A no hold's barred death match? That's great! No need to leave when a party's getting started. We'll win this, collect the reward and zammo, blast out of here!'

Sienna listened to the growing panic over the planet's comm channels and sighed. 

'Astra, I don't think it's that simple.'

From the author: I hope you enjoy, let me know what you think please! Also, votes are appreciated:)