A Little Love Collection

Nine

Nine days, eleven hours, and forty seven minutes.

I have been lying next to Charlie for nine days, eleven hours, and forty seven minutes. I have not moved away from him. I have not left his side. I have been a god damn magnet for nine days, eleven hours, and forty seven minutes.

Every day is the same: I wake up-- next to Charlie, I lie on his chest for several hours, I put my iPod near his ear so he can listen to music, I read to him, I talk to him, I kiss his cheek, I cry myself to sleep. Repeat.

I don't remember the last time I showered or changed my clothes. I couldn't care less.

I know the nurses talk about me. I can hear them whispering in the hallways all the time. I really don't care.

My parents tell me that work is accumulating in my classes with each hour that I miss. Like I really care.

I don't care about anything. Except him.

It hurts to look at him. It hurts to feel my skin pressed against his. It hurts to feel his warmth. It hurts. Everything hurts. Somehow I embrace the hurt. I want the hurt. I need the hurt. It's all I have left.

I can't think straight. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I don't understand anyone. I don't understand myself. I don't understand my pain. I don't understand my numbness. I don't understand why being empty feels so heavy.

Most of all, I'm lost. I'm lost in my words. I'm lost in my thought. I'm lost in my body. I'm so fucking lost.

"Ella?" a quiet voice asks. It's Dr. Ramel. He comes in every day at 5 o'clock to check on me. Probably to make sure I'm still breathing. I don't mind his visits. He does not pity me. He does not tip-toe around my feelings. He understands them, accepts them.

"Ella..." his voice is laced with guilt. I can tell he's about to tell me something I don't want to hear. I squeeze my eyes shut and turn away from him. Maybe he'll think I'm sleeping.

"This is important" he approaches me.

"We-we need to take him" he says softly, placing a hand on my back. I flinch.

"What? Take him where? He doesn't need to go anywhere" I raise my voice defensively.

"It's-It's time." He looks away, not meeting my pained eyes.

Time? Time for what?

Two doctors cautiously sweep into the room, approaching the bed where we sit. They place their hands on the sides of the bed and begin to reach for Charlie's ventilation tubes.

"Stop it!" I scream. My heart is thumping in my chest now. My breath quickens and my palms begin to moisten with sweat. I know what will happen if they unplug Charlie from his life support. He will be gone, really gone.

"Ell-" Dr. Ramel begins.

"No!" I'm fighting back the tears. I know if I cry I will have lost.

"It's time to say goodbye Ella" says a gruff voice from one of the doctors. He's an older man, bald and with a round, full face.

"Please... stop!" I'm begging now, covering Charlie with my body protectively. I hear Charlie's parents sobbing from across the room. His brothers are holding each other as they look away and pull each other into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry." I turn to see Dr. Ramel wrap his hands around the ventilator, my vision begins to blur; I hear the ventilator stop beeping. It's over. I've lost.

"No! No! Please!" I've lost it now, my limbs thrashing everywhere.

"Charlie!" I wail as I throw my hands around his lifeless body. Dr. Ramel grabs me and pulls me off Charlie; I'm fighting hard but his grip is too strong. The two doctors wheel Charlie and his bed out of the room and I fall to the ground.