Mental Activity

White Room. Chap1

Everywhere I look is just white, I'm still not used to it. there's a bed I never use. I just sit all day looking at my white hug jacket and white sweatpants and white socks, everything is just white. The only time I get a break from all this whiteness is when I shut my eyes but I'm afraid of the dark. I see things if my eyes are shut for too long. I don't know what they are though. I cant focus on them, they never get closer. I used to be able to see them clearly even without my eyes shut, but now they're gone. I can lightly hear voices though. Some are mean, some are nice and calming. They are aware of each other too and sometimes break out into arguments. The only time I get to focus on something and everything is peaceful is when I'm on a computer. These shitty doctors though treat the internet like its the actual world saying that I should not be allowed on it, for what reason? They never said... I just type things, stories. I also play with the boxes I can make on the home screen by dragging the mouse. I when alone looked around in it and found an internet button but I needed a password. When they walk me down the hall I can sometimes see internet at the front desk, but the doctors are always doing boring things, I've seen smaller more happier windows pop up but they always close them. They sometimes let me into some garden but that isn't peaceful. In every bush I feel like I'm being watched, I sometimes see eyes too. Sometimes yellow, sometimes purple, sometimes red. I once panicked and ate a flower but choked on it. The door opens, I just woke up... I forget how long I've been awake, they usually come a few hours after I wake up. I'm laying on my side, I don't remember getting like this, they probably think I need help sitting back up. A nurse walks in, her name is "Karen". She is usually nice most of the time. "Do you wanna get up?" I don't know if I do, its not like it matters. "Yes..." She holds my arm pulling me up against the wall sitting me down. "It's your birthday in a few days. Are you excited your arms get to be free?" Its been 10 years since I got to actually use my arms. Whenever they get free they are just giving me a shot or something, or when I'm on the computer, and that's around an hour each week. I nod, "Y-yes..." It took them years to undo the arms on the jacket, how long is it gonna take them to let me on the internet? Karen stands up "Do you want to go outside in the garden?" I tell them all the time I don't like it there, that I see things. But they don't care, they say I need the sunlight. I shake my dead. "No- no. I don't like it." Karen crosses her arms. "James will be there, you like James." James is one of the mean doctors. He's probably part of the reason I'm still mental. He's one of the people that helps me go to the bathroom, he molests me and other bad things. Ill just say its uncomfortable for me to sit down. He tells me that I'm not gonna say anything and that we're gonna act like friends or he'll make sure I don't see the computer anymore and never get my arms out of here let alone me ever leaving. I don't want to go but I nod and let her take me.